


Closer

by a_phoeniceus



Series: HQ Queer Girl Collective [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Sex, F/F, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Smut, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Genderqueer, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Kenma, Getting Together, Internal Conflict, Intimacy, KageHina - Freeform, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Kageyama, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Misunderstandings, Non-binary character, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Pining, Queer Friendly, Queer Themes, Queer Youth, Romantic Conflict, Slow Burn, seriously slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9799238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_phoeniceus/pseuds/a_phoeniceus
Summary: For three years, Kageyama had taken for granted Hinata’s closeness.She was constantly nearby, invading her personal space or standing proudly beside her on the court. She didn't realize how accustomed she had grown to that closeness until Hinata started drifting away.This is a genderswap fic! The world needs more queer girl lit, and I am here to provide.(Tags will be added and updated as new chapters are added)





	1. Chapter 1

“ _ Hinata!  _ You dumbass, it’s your turn to empty the dish rack!”

Hunched over a notebook at the dining room table, she yelled back, “I’ve been eating at the dining hall all week! Those are yours,  _ Bakageyama _ !” Turning back to her work, she grumbled under her breath saying, “Empty it yourself, jerk.”

Quick, heavy footsteps were all the warning she had before she received a swift smack to the back of the head. “That’s not how chore charts work,  _ dumbass _ ,”

“What the hell, Kageyama!” she turned in her seat, ready to jump up for a fight.

Kageyama towered over her, her eyebrows drawn sharply over her steely eyes. “Are you going to empty it, or not?”

Hinata rubbed the back of her head, ruffling her messy copper hair in the process, “Since when do  _ you _ care how chore charts work? We made that thing weeks ago but everything is still a mess!” To prove her point, she gestured at the dining room, which was littered with take out boxes, and the dining room through the walkway, which was scattered with discarded sweaters, books, and at least three volleyballs.

“How am I supposed to do the dishes if I have no where to put them?” she placed one hand on her hip, glowering at Hinata and making a point to ignore what she had said.

“I swear to  _ God _ , Kageyama, just put them away until there’s enough room for your junk and then pile it on top of what’s left,” rolling her eyes, she settled back into the chair, “It’s not that hard.”

“Doing what you’re supposed to isn’t that hard, either,” she replied pointedly, grabbing Hinata’s head fiercely.

“You’re one to talk!” she yelled back, suddenly pushing the chair away from the table with enough force to knock them both to the floor. The chair kicked out from under her, hitting the table leg with a loud pop. “I’m in the middle of my lab report! I need to finish this or I won’t be able to go to practice tomorrow, so you can either do it yourself or untwist your damn bra!”

“Get the fuck off!” she huffed. Hinata had fallen right on top of her, so she responded by dumping the other girl unceremoniously to the floor. Kageyama pushed her hair out her face, scowling as Hinata scrambled to her knees to glare right back at her.

Hinata crouched, staring at Kageyama as if she were going to strike again. Her round, warm brown eyes were alert, waiting for a hint of movement. 

Deflating, Kageyama relented, “Fine. Do your lab report so we can both go to practice tomorrow. But when you’re done you’re emptying the dish rack  _ and  _ cleaning the apartment.”

“Like hell I am!” she muttered, getting to her feet, “It was your idea to order all this junk,” she waved a hand at the closest pile of old take out boxes, “It’s too expensive for me, so why do I have to put up with you  _ and _ do all the cleaning?”

“Fine! We’ll both clean!”

“Fine!” Hinata said stubbornly, sticking her tongue out, “You owe me dinner tomorrow, though, for putting up with you because you’re  _ the worst _ roommate.”

Exasperated, Kageyama rolled her eyes and stomped back into the kitchen, where she began to begrudgingly unload the clean dishes from the rack to put away. “Which report are you working on anyway?” The clatter of dishes being tossed to their shelves punctuated each word.

“Biology,” she called back, “I can’t believe they’re  _ making _ us take this class. I thought college was about freedom.”

Kageyama snorted in response, “You can’t be trusted to make your own choices.”

“Tell me about it, I decided to live with your grumpy ass and look where it got me,” she said loudly, fixing her chair moodily before hunching over her book. “The school should give me an award for keeping you out of the freshman room draw!” she shouted, and a beat later their downstairs neighbor pounded on their ceiling. The loud “thump!” from below her feet caused her to jump almost to the ceiling.

“You’re going to get us thrown out,” Kageyama hissed, leaning around the corner from the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t be yelling if you weren’t such a jerk!” she fired back in a loud whisper.

Kageyama gave her a dark, steady look before flippantly shrugging her hair back over one shoulder and returning to the kitchen. Hinata could hear the water running, and she tapped her notebook with her pencil, feeling too wound up to focus.

She checked her phone, tempted to open it up to play a game for a few minutes.  _ Stupid Kageyama already distracted me, might as well take a break _ , she thought, but hesitated instead of swiping the lockscreen open. She had to be at the library in an hour for her shift at the cafe on the ground floor. With a loud sigh, she dropped her phone back on the table and picked up her pencil, forcing herself back to the task at hand.

A little while later, Kageyama drifted back into the room with a glass milk in one hand and a dishtowel hanging over one shoulder. Her expression was sour, but even as she entered the room Hinata could tell that her mood had improved.

“I know I said I would help clean tonight,” Hinata said, pausing to turn the page of a print out, “But I have to leave soon for my shift at the Bean.”

Kageyama leaned over her shoulder, resting her free hand on the back of Hinata’s chair, close enough to catch the faint impression of Hinata’s fruity shampoo. “You’re not going to get out of it,” she warned. She glanced over Hinata’s messy scrawl, picking out the beginnings of a lab protocol and her heart sank. “Wait, is this for  _ our _ biology class?”

“Kageyama,” Hinata’s voice was flat, as if she were having trouble processing the question. “I’m only in one biology class.  _ You’re in _ the only biology class I am taking.”

“Oh, shit,” she turned to meet Hinata’s stare, feeling a bubble of panic well up in her gut.

“It’s for the lab,” Hinata said carefully, “Since my lab is earlier in the week than yours, my report is due before yours, so you still have time.”

“But—”

Hinata groaned and slouched over the table in an attempt to start writing again, “You’re going to make me late for my shift. Can’t you just text someone from your lab section to ask?”

Pulling away, Kageyama lowered her glass, setting it on the table, “I don’t have anyone’s phone number.”

She glanced at Kageyama from under her hair, noticing the tight, thin line her lips had formed. “Okay, why don’t you bring your stuff to the cafe? I’m going to try to finish mine now, but if you come work on yours we can go over them together on my break,” she absently chewed on the end of her pencil. “I  _ think _ someone else from my class is working tonight, but she’s probably already finished,” Hinata shook her head, “She always does everything so early! I can’t believe it, but, Kageyama,” she peeked up through her hair again, “She’s in your lab section, it might be cool to all study together.”

Kageyama pushed her hair out of her face with both hands, letting her messy bangs fall back over her eyes while she pulled the rest back as if she were going to tie it in a low pony tail. Irritated, she let it fall to her back. It ended several inches below her shoulders, long and straight. She replied, “I hate studying in groups.”

“Don’t forget that we need to pass all of our general curriculum classes if we want to stay on the team,” Hinata warned, furiously copying a paragraph from the print out into her lab notebook.

“I know,” she grumbled in response. After downing the rest of her milk, she took the glass to the kitchen sink and went to gather her things. “I’ll go with you, but I’m not giving anyone my phone number. I don’t need anyone texting me when I’m trying to practice.”

“You’re too scary to text for fun anyway,” Hinata said dryly, earning herself a sharp jab to the ribs. 

Snickering to herself at Hinata’s pained squeak, she walked down the hall to grab her backpack, stepping over moving boxes that hadn’t been unpacked yet and the junk that only ever seemed to belong to Hinata. 

Kageyama’s room was neat, but only because she rarely spent any time there. Most often, the two of them were at practice, in class, running late to both, or watching tv in the livingroom. Her lab notebook and folder were strewn across her desk, the latter stuffed to the brim with beginning-of-the year paperwork and crumpled copies of her first few lab write ups. They were a short month into their first college semester, but Kageyama felt as though she couldn’t quite get her bearings, constantly forgetting about assignments or feeling overwhelmed by the sheer lack of time she had to practice her setting. She skimmed over the freshest of those crumpled materials, finding that her report was indeed due after Hinata’s, but each evening before then was a practice night.

She sighed, gathering up her things.  _ Hinata seems to be adjusting fine, _ she thought, blowing air through her lips.  _ Between our new teammates treating her like the resident kid sister and the study group invites from our classmates, she doesn’t seem too stressed at all. _ She frowned, stuffing extra pens into the outermost pocket of her backpack,  _ But when, besides before a big game, is Hinata ever stressed about anything? _

A short rap at the door made her jump, and she turned to find Hinata in the doorway, a bemused look on her face, “Earth to Kageyama,” she sang, “I’ve been calling your name from the dining room, didn’t you hear me?”

“No.”

“Hm. Quit spacing out, I have to leave soon,” with a shrug, she turned away from the door, and Kageyama wondered why she had actually agreed to go with Hinata and if she were just getting pulled into her rhythm again. She figured it was the latter, which caused her to zip her backpack more forcefully than what was necessary. 

After sliding the pack over one shoulder, Kageyama walked to the front door, a pair of shoes in hand. Hinata stood, waiting, with one hand on her hip, as Kageyama sat to put them on.

Kageyama glanced up from her spot on the ground, taking in Hinata’s outfit. She was wearing a faded pair of denim shorts and an oversized forest green sweater that was too familiar for it to belong to her. “Will you quit taking my clothes?” she asked irritably, recognizing Hinata’s unintentional fashion savvy as she took in her friend’s appearance. The heavy green of Kageyama’s sweater balanced the bright copper of her wavy hair, and the thick, slouchy knit somehow managed to accentuate her athletic frame. Her faded shorts and white high tops pulled the look together, making her look so much like herself that Kageyama found her irritation at getting dragged out of the house fading away.

Hinata glanced down at the sweater in confusion, “It was in my room, I thought it was mine.”

“You’re such a dumbass, how do you not know what clothes you have?” she asked, rolling her eyes as she slipped her second foot into its shoe.

“ _ So-rry _ , Kageyama,” she said with ample exaggeration, “It’s your fault for leaving all your crap in my room all the time.”

“Whatever,” she said, standing to lead the way out the door.

“Do you have your keys?” she asked, closing the door behind them.

“Uh,” she patted her pants pockets, “No. I forgot them.”

“Oh, I already locked it. If you leave the cafe before my shift ends I’ll just give you mine,” Hinata bounded away from the door, ending up a few paces ahead of Kageyama.

She quickened her pace, at first out of habit, but when she saw Hinata speed up a little more she broke into a full sprint, tearing down the hall of their apartment building and down the stairs.

“Hey!” 

Kageyama glanced back to see Hinata gaining on her, the small grey messenger bag she used for schoolwork bouncing as she bolted down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Kageyama rounded the corner, her own backpack bouncing, taking the turn fast in an attempt to gain back the distance Hinata was seizing with every rapid footfall. They plowed past students on the sidewalk, expecting everyone else to get out of their way.

As they raced to through the campus gates, Hinata took the lead and howled with delight, picking up her speed even more upon passing Kageyama. Gritting her teeth, she tried to catch up again, trying to push through the burning ache creeping through her lungs. 

Hinata disappeared around the last corner, and when Kageyama caught up, she was waiting on the other side of the glass doors to the library entrance, flushed and panting. She wrinkled her nose, making a face as Kageyama slowly pushed the door open. 

“You still have to clean later,” she said breathlessly, walking purposefully past Hinata and towards the stairs that lead to the lowest level of the library.

“Doesn’t matter,” Hinata replied airily, grinning, “That’s three in a row for me, Kageyama.”

“I’ll start taking you seriously when you manage to _ intentionally _ receive the ball in practice, and not with your face, either.”

Hinata’s bottom lip puckered, “Low blow, Kageyama.”

The Bean was tucked away in a far corner of the ground floor of the library, and was mostly run by students working their work-study jobs. The Bean was run by the school, and was almost exclusively open in the late evening when the greatest number of students were crammed into the quiet stacks of the largest campus library.

Hinata took a deep breath as they entered the cafe, savoring the lingering taste of fresh coffee on the air. She waved as Kageyama mentioned taking the table nearest to the counter, where she would work on her lab report, and walked back and around the counter. 

“Hi, Shou-chan,” Kameko, a sophomore with friendly brown eyes and strawberry blonde hair, greeted Hinata as she slipped her bag from her shoulders to stash under the counter.

Hinata smiled broadly at the other girl, “Kameko-san, how are you? Has it been busy?”

“Not really, it’s too early in the semester for it to be too hectic,” she replied with a small laugh, “Too bad for us, because when it really gets busy, I would prefer use my shift time to do my assignments!”

“Ohh,” Hinata hummed, “Did you take the introductory biology class last year? The one with the basic practices lab?”

Kameko shook her head, “Nope! Not required for my major,” she shuddered, “I can’t handle the sciences. I’ll take Japanese classic literature over biology any day!”

Hinata laughed and pulled on a dark blue apron, tying it behind her back as she said, “Well, I might have to take a class in that department next semester. I’ll have to get your help if I do.”

“Of course, Shou-chan,” she grinned, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Kageyama listened with detached interested as the two continued to chatter, trying to focus on the words outlined on the assignment for her own biology lab. The cafe was empty save for the three of them, but she knew that could change the later it got. A glance at her phone told her it was barely eight in the evening.  _ I’ll try to get this done in the next two hours, before everyone from the library shows up to get their late night coffee. _

She tried to focus, attempting to sink into the work in the same way that she sank into setting for Hinata and the rest of the volleyball team. As her hand moved steadily across the page, she slowly drifted into the task, diligently copying over instructions and writing out equations as neatly as she could.

“Here,” a soft voice pulled her out of the work, and she glanced up, lips pursing in surprise. Hinata placed one hand on her shoulder, providing the gentle and consistent kind of physical contact Kageyama had come to expect after three years of her friendship. What she hadn’t expected, in this moment, was for Hinata to have placed a deep mug of something warm in front of her.

“What’s this?” she asked, carefully sliding the mug around her papers to examine its contents.

“Ah,” Hinata grinned shyly, “I kind of made it up. I call it the ‘green latte,’ it’s mostly milk with a little bit of matcha and coffee—” she caught the expression on Kageyama’s face and said, “Don’t worry, it’s all decaf. I know you prefer to get to sleep early.”

Kageyama sniffed it experimentally, trying to ignore Hinata’s intense gaze. There were overtones of vanilla and the smooth bitterness of coffee, all rounded out by a generous helping of hot milk. She blew on it once and took a sip, melting into the wide mug as the flavors met her tongue.

“Is it good?” she asked eagerly, watching.

Kageyama kept the cup to her lips, lifting her eyes to meet her roommate’s expressive gaze. “It’s not bad,” she said finally, setting the mug in the saucer Hinata had brought with it.

“Yes!” Hinata brought her fist close to her chest in satisfaction, “I knew you would like it,” she smiled so broadly her eyes all but disappeared. “Let me know if you want another,” she said, glancing back to the counter. Kameko had gone into the back room, and Hinata leaned close, whispering conspiratorially, “I can probably also swipe you a brownie if you want, but only when Kameko-san isn’t looking!”

Kageyama suppressed an eye roll at Hinata’s enthusiasm, “Maybe before I leave.”

Hinata grinned again, “Ok! I’m going to check the inventory and wash up some of the stuff the earlier students left behind. Then I can get my report out and we can compare.”

She didn’t reply, choosing instead to take a sip of the mildly sweet drink Hinata had prepared for her. It was smooth and mostly milky, which is what Kageyama preferred from all of her coffee-based drinks, and Hinata seemed to enjoy creating variations on that theme for her to try.

Kageyama was almost done with her report when the first of the late night crowd started to trickle into the Bean. She had finished her drink and was flipping between two sections of her notebook when a couple of guys she vaguely recognized from another sports team came into the cafe, loudly complaining about how crowded the reading room was.

Irritated, she lifted her head to scowl at them, channelling every ounce of her annoyance into her stare as they approached the counter, where Hinata was replenishing the napkin dispenser. One of them leaned over the counter, resting his elbows on the chipped laminate and arching himself close as he gave his order. 

Something about his posture and the easy way Hinata responded set Kageyama’s teeth on edge. He was bent at the waist, practically pushing himself over the counter to hand her the student ID card that doubled as their campus currency card. She laughed at something Kageyama couldn’t quite catch while swiping the card through reader on the register. When she tilted the screen toward them, she heard the leaning boy crack another joke before scrawling his signature on the tablet.

_ Not even leaving a tip _ , she thought icily, watching as the two hovered at the pick up counter as Hinata busied herself with their order.  _ And where is that other girl? _

She watched as the second student inched over to the first to whisper something in his ear, making him go red. She slammed her books shut and stuffed them in her bag, standing in a quick, fluid motion. 

“Hinata, I need your keys,” she announced, stomping over to the counter.

Sending a curious look over her shoulder, Hinata said, “Okay, they’re under the counter in my backpack, do you want to grab them?” She was steaming milk, her hands busy with tin containers and levers. “You’re leaving already? I thought we were going to go over that report together.”

“Yes, we can just check them before practice tomorrow,” she said, her tone stoney as she parted the two male students to walk behind the counter. She had all but bumped into the one who had been chatting up Hinata with her bag, purposefully elbowing it out towards the other students as she passed. 

They made way for her, and she crouched behind the counter, digging around where Hinata had gestured, finding her bag stuffed atop a purse she assumed to be Kameko’s and a ratty binder labeled ‘Bean shortlist.’

The keys were in the outermost pocket of Hinata’s backpack, as per usual, and she grabbed them, telling her she would leave the door unlocked for her.

“Thanks, Kageyama,” she said warmly, pouring the two drink orders into paper cups. “I’ll see you at home.”

“Yeah,” she said gruffly, shoving past the boys again, “See you at home.”


	2. Chapter 2

Kageyama was in bed and scrolling through her favorite volleyball blog on her phone when she heard Hinata return to the apartment. She heard slow, careful shuffling as Hinata crept down the hallway, quiet for once, because Kageyama had turned out all the lights before retreating to her own room. She had meant to sleep after finishing her report, but felt too restless, caught up in irritated thoughts about those two students at the cafe. Instead she had spent the last hour and a half alternating between shopping for a new pair of volleyball shoes and staring through the dark to the ceiling.

She set the phone down on her chest, to listen to Hinata moving through the apartment. She rustled around in her room, which shared a wall with Kageyama’s, then headed across the hall. She heard Hinata wedge the bathroom door, slightly too big for its jamb, shut and the shower start. 

With a sigh, Kageyama flopped over to her side and pulled her blankets up around her ears. The nights were growing cooler as the autumn faded away, and Hinata insisted on using the air as little as possible, even when it had been scorching out. She knew that living in the apartment was more of a financial stretch for Hinata and her family than for her own, so she went along with whatever ridiculous settings Hinata left the on the thermostat.

_ If it gets much colder we’ll have to turn it up at least a little _ , she thought, tucking herself deeper.  _ If I get a space heater for the living room, she’ll probably end up stealing it for her bedroom.  _

Snippets of Hinata singing drifted into her room, muffled by both the running water and the blankets covering her ears. She poked her head out to listen better, now able to make out the chorus of a song that had been all over the radio since the start of the semester. It came on a lot during their free practices, courtesy of the captain’s workout playlist.

Hinata singing in the shower hadn’t surprised Kageyama in the least, given that she was constantly humming or making up her own songs on her way to the gym or to the bathroom, but what had surprised Kageyama was the clarity of her singing voice. She had come home a few times to find Hinata singing in the empty apartment without music, her voice high and sure as she crooned the lyrics of whatever song had been stuck in her head that day. Every so often Kageyama would come back to the apartment without Hinata realizing, and would stand in the foyer, waiting to announce her arrival so that she could listen a little longer.

She dropped her phone on her bedside table and rolled over, closing her eyes and straining her ears to listen. Hinata had started to sing a different song, one that was a little older, and Kageyama felt the restless tension keeping her awake begin to slip away. She sighed and pulled her hands close to her chest, letting herself be pulled into sleep.

 

“Kageyama! Good morning,” Hinata chirped brightly. She was at the kitchen counter, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. She hadn’t gotten dressed for the day yet, and was wearing an old pair of gym shorts and an oversized tee. Her hair was sticking up in the back, making her look the same age as her kid brother, Natsu.

Kageyama yawned, rubbing her bleary eyes and looked her over, “Did you not dry your hair before you went to sleep? You look like crap.”

Her expression soured and she shot Kageyama a dirty look, but still shook a hand through her chin-length hair, working out a few knots and assessing the damage. “Eh,” she muttered decidedly, “If I fix it now it’ll just get messed up again after practice. I only have my lab this morning.”

Kageyama snorted and grabbed a bowl from the overflowing dishrack. She had been feeling too stubborn to clean anything when she had returned from the Bean. A plate, delicately balanced between another bowl and a spatula wobbled threateningly, so she adjusted adjusted them before grabbing a spoon.

“If it’s that bad I’ll just wear a hat,” she said irritably, taking her bowl to the two-person table by the window, leaving the cereal and milk out for Kageyama.

“As long as it’s not mine I don’t care what you do.”

Hinata’s spoon chimed against her bowl as Kageyama shook out a generous bowl of a sugary brand Hinata insisted on buying each week. “Oh! Kageyama, you’ll never believe who came into the Bean after you left!”

“Is it someone I actually know?” she asked drily, kicking the fridge closed after replacing the milk on its shelf. Half the time, Hinata would start the conversation with a similar statement, only for Kageyama to have never heard of whoever she was babbling about.

“Kenma! From Nekoma, remember them?”

“Of course I remember,” she replied stonily,  _ When have I ever forgotten about the setters we’ve played? _ “I didn’t know she went here,” she took a bike, chewing slowly because her body was always slow to start in the morning. She sank into the other chair at the table, opposite to Hinata.

“Um.”

Kageyama glanced up to see Hinata giving her an odd look, rubbing the back of her neck the way she always did when she wasn’t sure how to say something. Kageyama waited, taking another bite.

“Actually, Kenma prefers gender neutral pronouns these days,” she said, glancing out the window as if uncertain, “You know, like ‘they’ and ‘them’ instead of ‘she’ and ‘hers’.”

Kageyama lifted and eyebrow, not thinking much about that, but carefully said, “Ok. I guess they haven’t been playing volleyball?”

Hinata shook her head, her messy hair bouncing, “Nope, and they said the only reason they even played during their third year was because there wasn’t anyone else good enough to start.”

“Yeah, the setter they had last year was pretty sloppy.”

Shrugging, she said “Yeah, she wasn’t great at connecting the team, but she was just a first year. Anyway. Kenma is studying computer science, and I think they took a lot of the same intro classes that we’re taking, so I’m going to see if I can borrow some of their notes—at least for biology lab. They also said I could go over to play video games if I want! But they also said that they wouldn’t come to watch any of our practices, because they don’t really care enough to walk all the way to the gym.”

_ Sounds about right _ , Kageyama thought, remembering the reserved, unenthusiastic way with which they had carried themself. “Too bad s-they’re not playing volleyball anymore,” she said, catching herself as she went. “They weren’t too bad.”

“I know!” Hinata threw her hands in the air, “I’ll see if I can get them to toss to me again. They would every once in a while at training camp, remember?”

“I remember. That tall girl with the shitty hair made a big deal out of it when we were freshmen.”

“Ohh! Kuroo, I had forgotten about her,” Hinata rested her chin in her hand thoughtfully, both elbows on the table. The morning light washing over her through the windows gave her an especially serene appearance. “I’ll have to ask if she goes here too. They were super close, so I bet Kenma came here with her.”

“Don’t you think she would still be playing if she were here, though?”

“Oh, that’s a good point. She probably still plays so maybe she did go to a different school?”

“Don’t ask me, dumbass.”

Hinata hummed, looking out the window again to watch students pass by on the sidewalk below as she chased the remaining pieces of cereal into her spoon. “You have physics today, right? And then a couple hours at the library before practice?”

Kageyama reached out and pushed a button on Hinata’s phone, which was between them on the table, “You should worry less about my schedule and more about the time.”

She glanced down, then turned to Kageyama and froze, her dark honey eyes going wide. “ _ Crap _ .”

Arching an eyebrow in amusement, she watched as Hinata tilted her bowl towards her face to swallow whatever was left, spilling some milk on her shirt in the process. She scrambled away from the table, carelessly throwing the dish in the sink, “I’ll wash that before practice, I promise!” she said as she blurred down the hallway to throw some real clothes on. 

Less than a minute later, door slammed shut behind her and Kageyama stretched in her chair, uncoiling from her slouch. She sighed and picked up her bowl to drink the sweetened milk left at the bottom, which was the main reason she let Hinata get away with throwing a box in the cart every time they went to the store. Chucking her bowl in the sink on top of Hinata’s, she went to get dressed and collect her things for her physics lecture, which was becoming one of her favorite courses.

When she was getting ready to leave the apartment, she briefly wondered if Hinata had remembered to collect her keys from where Kageyama had left them the previous night. She paused in sliding her shoes onto her feet and leaned back, trying to see around the corner to the living room. It was an awkward position, and she couldn’t see much of the room so she inched over. She craned back a little more, and spotted the volleyball keychain hanging off the side of the coffee table. Rolling her eyes, she stood and made a point to unlock the door before slipping out.

During their last year at Karasuno, the rest of the team had each pitched in to get all of the third years a keychain in the shape of an orange and black volleyball. Between the key ring and the little metallic ball, each keychain also had a small plate that was engraved with their name and jersey number on one side with their position on the other. Hinata had put hers on her house keys on the spot, making a point to express how excited she was that “Co-Captain” had been included alongside “Middle Blocker.”

Kageyama wasn’t sure where hers was, probably buried at the bottom of a desk drawer. Hers was also engraved with “Co-Captain,” but during that last year, she wore the number two. As she made her way across campus to her class, she let her mind wander back to all the arguments they’d had over being the captain. They had both felt like being the vice captain would have been a loss to the other player, and the rest of the team had insisted they work it out themselves.  _ I thought Coach Ukai was going to give it to Yamaguchi since we couldn’t agree _ , she thought to herself, turning a corner.  _ But she said that  _ we _ were why the team was so good, why everyone was willing to stay a little later and work a little harder, so it had to be us. _

She glanced up from the ground, approaching her building and remember how Ukai had looked the next day, when she had pulled Kageyama aside to ask about the jersey numbers.

_ Hinata should have it, _ Kageyama had told her.  _ Even Tsukishima listens to her sometimes.  _

She ran over her face and climbed the steps to her building, her memory getting caught on the look Ukai had given her after she agreed to take the number usually reserved for the vice captain.  _ Surprise, concern, or understanding?  _ She wondered,  _ I expected relief, but not… whatever that was. _

The classroom was mostly empty when Kageyama arrived, and she walked to the far side of the room to her usual spot against the wall. She wasn’t a fan of sitting in the front, but neither were most people, which worked in her favor. There was only one seat next to her, and the rest of her classmates typically sat closer to the entrance. It was also more difficult for her to slack if she were right under the professor’s nose, so she had strategically selected this sort of seat in all of her classes.

Today she had trouble focusing because her mind kept wandering to volleyball, to practice, to Hinata, and to that dumb keychain. Her hands slid over her notebook and she took sloppy notes, occasionally losing her train of thought or missing what was being said. The end of the period came as a relief, and she felt the need to rush out of the room, despite having time for a break built into her schedule between the lecture and her shift shelving books at the library.

That restlessness from the night before was back, and she all but shoved past people to get outside. Her heart had picked up and her skin was starting to feel warm, so she edged past everyone and tore towards the building exit.

The early fall air helped, the breeze cooling her skin and sifting through her hair. She slung her backpack over one shoulder, tucked it close to her side, and began to sprint towards the library, fast enough to make her legs and lungs burn. Her shoes, plain converse, weren’t meant for running and the arches of her feet smarted. She ignored the discomfort and kept going.

When she stumbled up the steps to the library she paused, wheezing from the effort. The weird push she felt at the end of her lecture was subsiding, and she started to make her way inside. The reshelving room was on the ground level, past the Bean, and filled floor to ceiling with shelves.

Kageyama shrugged her backpack from her shoulder and pulled out a pair of headphones from the outermost pocket before tucking it in the cubby reserved for student workers’ belongings. She focused on her breathing, steadying herself as she went through the motions of pushing back her hair, plugging her headphones into her phone, and selecting a playlist. 

She tucked her phone into her pocket as the first notes of the song Hinata had been singing in the shower sank into her ears. Her nerves still felt a little unsteady, but the emptiness of the library and the uncomplicated music were helping.

At this time in the semester, the shelves in the reshelving room were still mostly bare. Now that everyone was nearing midterms, there had been a slight upswing in the number of books being carted from the circulation desk where they were returned to the downstairs room. Kageyama had been told that by the time finals rolled around, the entire room would be packed to the brim. For now, though, she grabbed an empty truck and rolled it over to one of the fuller sections and began to diligently transfer them to her cart.

The work was mostly mindless, all she had to do was return the books to their sections for the next few hours, and she would be free to have lunch and go to afternoon practice. A lot of her schedule overlapped with Hinata’s shifts at the Bean, which meant they were able to walk together every once in awhile, when Hinata wasn’t running late from office hours or some other meeting.

Kageyama felt herself slip into the work as she began to push the cart down the hall to the elevator. She started looking ahead to practice, thinking about how each spiker liked their tosses. The ace liked hers a little fast, but Hinata’s second tempo strike is a little faster than that.  _ The ace likes to get really close to the net. I wonder if setting the ball a little higher would help bring out some of her power.  _

She sighed, running her fingers over the spines of the books as her eyes skimmed over call numbers.  _ The left wing spiker can be slow to approach, but on good days she prefers the ball set a little higher than most players. On her bad days I have to make sure it’s way low. _

Humming in thought, she pulled a book from her cart and slid it into place on the shelf. She crouched, looking for the next series on the lower shelves.  _ I wonder if the rest of the team realizes just how different her performance is those days. They don’t really seem to say anything. Good coaches are good at reading their players, so Coach Hisa can probably tell exactly— _

Kageyama’s thoughts froze in their tracks and she slowly tilted her head to the ceiling, to which she quietly said, “Shit.” 

_ Ukai was a good coach. She could always tell when we needed our asses handed to us, or when we needed real encouragement. She was so fucking good at reading people and giving them what they needed that even Tsukishima, queen of the assholes, ended up committing everything to the team. _

She dropped her head into her hands, exhaling, remembering that look Ukai had given her before, “She fucking knew,” she told the ground, letting her hair fall around her face.  _ She could tell that I’m gay. And she fucking knew that I’m in love with that dumbass. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little tricky to write, since there is almost no dialogue. I figured since canon Kageyama is so insecure, they probably spend a lot of time in their own head. So, hope you enjoyed this one!


	3. Chapter 3

Kageyama had always known she was a lesbian. Even as an elementary school kid, she had found herself drawn almost magnetically to other girls. She didn’t have a word for that magnetic pull until her last year of junior high. The years leading up until then she spent wondering about how  _ other _ girls looked and thought about girls, and how that compared to how they looked and thought about boys. Hearing her classmates chatter about the boys they were going to confess to always left her a little puzzled.

Everything fell into place when she was reading through an old issue of a women’s volleyball magazine. She’d had a subscription to that publication for years, and was flipping through old issues out of midsummer boredom when she stumbled upon a blurb about a documentary. The paragraph was tiny, crammed in between an advertisement for knee pads and an article about the benefits of using athletic tape during practice. The documentary was about an Australian olympiad, one Kageyama was only vaguely familiar with, and her wife, who worked in sports medicine. A small black and white photo of the couple, smiling arm-in-arm, was on the left side of the text.

She read that blurb almost a dozen times, getting stuck on the word “wife” with each pass. Her complete disinterest in boys, the reverent way she gravitated towards the captains of her middle school team, and her particularly strong idolization of a few top female Japanese players, all came together in that moment. She never really had full-blown, schoolgirl-level crushes at school, but when she found herself being drawn into the strength and grace of one particular teammate, she made a point to squash anything even resembling a whiff of a feeling. Instead of focusing on the way an individual tied her hair back or moved during a play, she focused on how she could set higher and faster than anyone else.

Her obsession with volleyball made it easy to mask her feelings, and the self-imposed pressure to be the best setter isolated her from her middle school team, earning her the nickname “Queen of the Court.”

But even still, that had been better than being found out. There was no way to know if her team would have been supportive, but the things they would have called her if they weren’t could have been so much worse than “Queen,” so she wrapped herself in it. She told herself that since she felt like volleyball defined her more than who she had almost-crushes on anyway, she decided to keep it to herself, suffering through the isolation.

Not even Hinata knew. 

She knew that Hinata probably wouldn’t care, but she could never bring herself to say anything on the off chance that she would get weirded out. Besides, the last thing Kageyama wanted to do was provide Hinata the opportunity to ask about her crushes. 

_ That door needs to stay closed forever,  _ she thought, pinching the bridge of her nose.

She was at the apartment, miserable with the realization that Ukai had probably known the whole time she was on Karasuno’s team. Being reminded that she was in love with her straight best friend made her feel even worse, and the stress made the  muscles in her shoulders started to tighten up. They tensed and pinched together until there was a sharp, throbbing knot on one side.  _ Ukai probably knew, but she kept me on the team, and she kept me as a starting player. So it doesn’t matter. Just because she knew doesn’t mean I have to tell anyone about it, anyway. _

She reached over her shoulder to try to dig the knot out with her fingers, pressing and kneading as she thought hard about the interactions with her old teammates, wondering if she had given herself away any to anyone else. Her thoughts were interrupted when the door to the apartment slammed open and Hinata’s voice rang out through the silence.

“Yo! Yama-yama, where did you put my keys?” 

Kageyama pushed on the deep set wrinkle between her brows, willing her face to relax while she struggled for composure, “Coffee table.”

“You should have told me you put them here!” she called from the living room, “I was worried I would get locked out again.”

She didn’t respond, still working out the knot in her shoulder and making herself think through all the things she needed to put in her bag for practice. 

“Hey,” Hinata was in her doorway now, her hair even messier than it had been that morning.

Kageyama dropped her hands to her side, glancing to Hinata as a reply.

She had an unreadable look on her face, her brows drawn downward, “Are you okay? You look kind of crappy.”

“Says the idiot who can’t use a hairbrush,” she fired back.  _ She was probably messing with it during lab, like she always does when she’s in over her head. _

Hinata wrinkled her nose, “Way to be a dick, I guess you’re feeling fine after all.”

“I’m just getting ready for practice. Besides, I left the door unlocked for you, even though I beat you home again.”

She came into the room and flopped down onto the bed casually, “I know!” she whined, “I had to stay late because I messed up the measurements on one of the chemicals and had to start over halfway through.”

“Of course you did,” Kageyama said irritably, fishing a sports towel from under her desk and willing Hinata to leave the room. 

“Like you’re doing any better,” she said. “I wish we were in the same lab section, my partner never talks to me,” she lamented.

Kageyama, unsettled from her realization earlier today, couldn’t help but let that mild compliment sink in, drifting down to where she kept the rest of the careless things Hinata managed to say to her. She felt the tips of her ears go red, and turned away, pretending to sift through the contents of her athletic bag, which was sitting on the desk chair.

Hinata let her legs hang over the side of the bed, half-laying down, half sitting against the wall. She could tell that there was something weighing on Kageyama, but knew it was almost pointless to ask.  The compulsion to try overrode her logic so she started smaller, “How was the library? Were there a lot of books to put back today?”

Kageyama tucked her hair behind one ear, “Not really.”

“Do you want to eat lunch here or grab something on the way to practice?”

“Doesn’t matter to me.”

“Are you looking forward to practice?”

She hesitated slightly and said, “Of course I am, dumbass.”

Hinata stared, the uncharacteristic hesitation obvious to her, “Are you  _ sure _ you’re okay?”

The restless feeling was beginning to burn slowly her her gut, and she felt herself getting annoyed, “I said I’m fine.”

“You didn’t, though,” she pointed out, sitting up, “You just started yelling at me about my hair.”

“Well, I  _ am _ fine, good enough?” she rounded on Hinata, who was giving her that weird look again. “If you keep pestering me, I’m not going to toss to you.”

Usually, the threat was enough to make Hinata start whining about how she couldn’t get any better without Kageyama’s tosses, but this time she just gazed back at her. “Ok,” she said slowly, “I’m going to make some sandwiches, then we can leave.” She slipped off the bed and out of the room, leaving Kageyama alone with the twisting feeling in her gut.

She closed her eyes and began to mentally repeat,  _ Practice will help. Focus on volleyball. Focus on setting. Bring out the strengths of the spikers.  _

The mantra helped calm her down, and she quickly changed out of the clothes she wore to class and into a sports bra and track suit. With practiced motions, she pulled her hair from her shoulders and pulled it tight, twisting it into the secure french braid she always wore when she played. She shrugged her bag over one shoulder, letting the strap fall across her chest, feeling calmer now that it was almost time to leave. She walked out of her room to find Hinata sitting by the front door with her shoes on.

She was typing a message on her phone and glanced up when Kageyama approached. “Here,” she said, standing and holding out something wrapped in a paper towel. “I made you two.”

“Oh,” she unwrapped the towel and took a bite of one sandwich, “Thanks,” it was turkey and cheese. As she swallowed, she tried to ignore that Hinata had made her two of her favorite sandwich. 

Hinata slipped her phone into the pocket of her club jacket with a shrug, “No problem. Since you’re eating I’ll have to take it easy on you for our race.”

Kageyama rolled her eyes, “As soon as I’m done I’ll leave you in the dust,” her voice was starting to feel more normal, too.  _ The food must be helping _ , she thought blandly as they headed out the door.

“We’ll see about that,” Hinata said lightly, stuffing her hands in her pockets and leading the way out of their building. “Oh,” she glanced back to Kageyama, “Did you still want to do some cleaning tonight? You still have to buy dinner, though.”

“Yeah,” she said around a bite, “Let’s do that.”

 

The early evening was warm as Kageyama and Hinata made their way across the campus, their athletic bags slung across their bodies. Hinata was practically vibrating with excess energy and retelling every detail of the afternoon, jumping straight into the air or running ahead to punctuate her words, even though Kageyama had been there to be an active participant in the whole thing. 

Practice had helped to clear Kageyama’s head, and she even managed to pull a little more power out of the left, which Coach Hisa made sure to point out. Hinata had been on the other side of the net during their scrimmage, so she had made a point to set the ball so that the spikers would hit it right at her a majority of the time, which didn’t go unnoticed by the coach or Hinata. 

They left the gym together and started to walk back side by side. When they pushed through the glass double doors to exit the building, Hinata glanced over to check Kageyama’s features. Her face was wearing its usual pinched expression, but her posture seemed more relaxed than it was before practice. She took that as a positive sign and rolled the sleeves of her jacket up to her elbows, saying, “Kageyama you’re such a jerk! Why did you have to keep setting me up like that?” She was rubbing her forearms, which were stained bright pink from receiving. “I  _ know _ you were doing it on purpose,” she grumbled, her mouth downturned in a pout.

“How are you supposed to get better otherwise, dumbass? You had three years to learn how to receive and you’re still shit,” she replied, all while thinking,  _ Also I was feeling annoyed about being reminded that I’m in love with you, so that didn’t help. _

Hinata shot her an irritated look, which passed quickly. “Did you see when I received the ball after Kiko-senpai spiked it? She hit it  _ so hard  _ but I got it right back to our setter!” She held her arms out in front of her, the underside of her forearms up as she mimicked receiving an invisible ball, the gesture complete with sound effects. 

“It wasn’t bad,” Kageyama replied drily, “You just have to do that every time.”

Hinata groaned, “I hate receiving, I can never get it to go where I want it to.”

“If you want to look cool again you have to keep practicing it.”

Hinata whipped around and jumped forward, her eyes round, “You think I looked cool today?” She was close, almost on top of Kageyama, her excitement palpable.

“No,” she said flatly, though she could feel the heat rising to her ears, which was a dead giveaway.

“Ooh!” she sang, tilting her head back to laugh, “I can’t believe you thought I looked cool! It was a good receive but it must have been  _ really _ good for you to admit that I’m cool.”

“Oh my god, Hinata, you’re such an idiot,” she yelled, jutting her chin and looking away.

“Since you think I’m  _ cool _ you definitely owe me all the toppings I want for pizza tonight.”

“Who said you could decide what we were ordering?” she barked, dragging her eyes forward to meet Hinata’s.

She paused on the steps leading up to their floor, “Since when have you ever said no to pizza?”

“That’s not the point!”

Shrugging nonchalantly, she took the stairs two at a time, leaving Kageyama at the bottom to stare after her. She hadn’t meant to admit that she thought Hinata looked cool.  _ She’ll never let me live that one down _ , she thought with an inward groan.

“Hurry up, Kageyama!” Hinata leaned over from the top rail of the stairs, her hair falling over her flushed cheeks. “We need to order before it gets too late and they run out of garlic knots!” The dingy yellow light from the stairwell bounced off of her bright hair, giving her a pale yellow halo.

“We’re not getting garlic knots!”

“We’re getting knots or I’m locking you out!” she said with a grin. A moment later she vanished from the stairwell and Kageyama could hear her running towards their door.

_ Fuck, I don’t know if I have my keys _ , she thought fleetingly, booking it to the top and tearing down the hallway, making it to the door just in time to wedge her foot in before Hinata could close it all the way.

Hinata made a startled noise and pushed back, hard, but Kageyama had braced herself on the wall and shouldered the door with all her weight. The force of the push propelled them both into the entranceway. Hinata stumbled back, tripping backwards over the short step in the entranceway, and Kageyama’s momentum took them both to the ground.

Hinata laughed, breathless, as she weakly pushed on Kageyama’s shoulders, “Y-you’re crushing me, Bakageyama!”

“It’s your fault,” she replied, her words just as strained. She grabbed Hinata’s head and pushed down, using her as leverage to stand.

“Hey!” she yelped, kicking one leg out in retaliation, catching the back of Kageyama’s knee while she was turning to close the door.

Kageyama stumbled when Hinata’s foot connected with the back of her leg, and she fell onto the door for support, which swung precariously with her weight. With a glower, she slammed it closed and rounded on Hinata, who had scrambled backwards to the living room. Her cheeks were pink and she was still tangled in her athletic bag, but she was laughing as Kageyama approached.

“You almost pulled the door off the hinges when you fell!” she said around chest-heaving laughs. “Oh my god I thought you were going to go head first into the hallway,” she started to laugh harder, her eyes closing as her smile dominated her face.

Kageyama’s need for payback dissipated and a laugh of her own bubbled up in her throat. It wasn’t often that Hinata was reduced to crying on the floor from laughter, but when it happened it was contagious. Kageyama kicked off her shoes, flinging them at Hinata from her feet as she fought back the urge to laugh with her. 

“S-stop, stop,” she said, holding her arms up defensively, “I’m  _ sorry _ you just looked so surprised,” she choked on another laugh as the image came back to her. 

Kageyama felt herself soften, a smile lifting one corner of her mouth as she watched Hinata laugh in a puddle in their entryway.  “Get up, dumbass,” she said softly, “I’ll order your goddamn garlic knots.”

Hinata rolled onto her side, catching her breath as the last of her giggles faded. “Make sure you get—”

“I will,” she said, fishing her phone from her bag. The number to Hinata’s favorite pizza place was in the “most-dialed” section of her phone, and Kageyama had the order memorized. She had forgotten the olives  _ once _ in high school and Hinata complained for an entire week. She stepped over Hinata, who was still wheezing from the force of her laughter, to the living room and dialed, watching from the corner of her eye as her roommate picked herself up off of the ground. 

“I’m going to change,” she mock whispered, pointing to her room at the same moment the pizza place picked up. Kageyama nodded and waved her away, greeting the person on the other line in the process. She heard Hinata choke on another round of laughter when she started to recite their order.

Hinata padded down to her room, her laugh fading to a light chuckle as she went, and dropped her bag on the floor without bothering to unpack it. She peeled herself out of her damp clothes and tossed them in the overflowing basked in the corner, making a weak mental note to herself to do laundry. Humming, she scooped a large shirt from the floor and threw it on without looking at it, then shimmied her way into a pair of shorts and changed her socks. She glanced at her phone,which had message from Kenma about practice, and she made sure to tell them about the receive Kageyama had admitted was cool. A grin broke out over her face again, reliving the way the casual, likely unintentional, way the compliment had escaped Kageyama’s lips.

She fired off another succession of messages about the pizza they were ordering and the fact that they had to clean the apartment. She included several emojis for flare and thumbed through her phone until she had pulled up her music player.

With a few taps, she connected to the wireless speaker that Kageyama had brought from home. It was on the smaller side, but good enough for cleaning and pizza. She grabbed it from the living room and made her way into the kitchen, “Clumsy-yama, where should we start our cleaning?”

Kageyama was on her toes, putting a mixing bowl on one of the higher shelves.

“Hey! Don’t put it up so high!”

She lifted one eyebrow in response and slid it into place, saying, “If you need it, just jump for it. Also,” she said, squaring up to Hinata once the bowl was in it’s place, “ _ Clumsy _ -yama? That’s the worst one yet. It’s not clumsy if someone  _ kicks _ you.”

Hinata held her hands up in front of her face, “I’ll let you pick the playlist if you don’t make a big deal out of it,” she bargained.

Rolling her eyes, Kageyama went back to her task, “Pick whatever.”

“Fine, but you still can’t make a big deal out of it,” she replied, selecting the playlist she’d been listening to most. “Did you want to start in here?” she asked, eyeing Kageyama as she put the last of the plates in the cupboard. An upbeat pop song was the first on the list, and once it started, Hinata put the speaker and her phone on the breakfast table.

“Might as well,” she said, “You forgot to wash your bowl from breakfast so you have to do all the dishes.”

Hinata groaned and went to the sink, having forgotten about her promise to wash it before practice. “Fine, but you have to take out the trash.”

Kageyama shrugged, “I’m not doing it until after we have everything else done, though,” she went and gently elbowed Hinata in the side. “I’ll do the counters, but I need the paper towels and cleaning spray from under the sink.”

She hip checked Kageyama before scurrying out of range. Instead of dishing anything back, Kageyama just snorted, intent on grabbing what she needed. Between the two of them, the dishes, counters, stove, and floor were all cleaned before the pizza arrived. They moved to the dining room, where Kageyama collected the old take out boxes and miscellaneous garbage while Hinata gathered up the junk they had left strewn around the room.

Hinata alternated between singing with the music and ribbing Kageyama about whatever she had left lying around. “And you said most of this stuff was mine!” she said accusingly, holding up a pair of knee pads, “Seriously, how did these even get left in the  _ dining room _ ?”

Shrugging, Kageyama held up two separate leftover boxes with Hinata’s name on them, “I don’t want to hear it.”

They were done collecting belongings and garbage from both the dining room and hallway when there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it!” Hinata blurted, running down the hall, “You paid over the phone, right? I’ll give the delivery person a tip.”

They decided to spread the boxes over the coffee table to eat in front of the tv with napkins as plates, because neither of them wanted to do more dishes. Hinata paused the music so that they could watch an episode of an anime they had started watching together after their graduation. She settled into the couch, happily inhaling a slice while Kageyama pulled up the most recent episode.

“Don’t choke,” she warned, eyeing Hinata and hitting play.

“If I did,” she said, her mouth full, “You would have to save me because there’s no one else to hit your super fast tosses.”

The room dimmed as the video buffered, and Kageyama studied Hinata’s profile, “Yeah, I guess.”

Hinata glanced over, curious about her tone. “‘You guess’?”

“It would be a lot quieter around here without you,” she said in the low voice she only used when she was teasing Hinata.

With a mouthful of pizza, she couldn’t reply, but kicked playfully back at her instead. They demolished an entire large pizza between the two of them and killed three episodes before getting back to cleaning, which they rushed through in order to watch one more before they absolutely  _ had _ to go to sleep. It was well after midnight by the time that last episode ended, and they had both fallen asleep on the couch. Kageyama was stretched out, her long legs resting on the coffee table, and Hinata was sprawled beside her, her head on Kageyama’s shoulder.

Hinata had fallen asleep first, the way she always did, so Kageyama had let her be, the way  _ she _ always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life has been consumed by these two. Which is fine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: this chapter depicts a panic/anxiety attack. Feel free to skip from "Kageyama stared at her phone..." to "When there were none..."  
> Panic/anxiety attacks can manifest with different symptoms depending on the individual, so this is just a really brief look into them.

“Shouyou.”

At the sound of her name, Hinata lifted her head from her arms and blinked until she could focus a littler better. Her class materials were strewn around her in a wide arch. She had been pushing them farther and farther away until they were close to spilling over the edges of the table.

Kenma gazed at her, their honey eyes watchful. “It seems like you’re finished for today.”

“No!” she held her hands up in front of her, gesturing in disagreement, “S-sorry, Kenma. Maybe just a break?” They were at the library, hunched over a series of short problems assigned by Hinata’s chemistry lecture. Kenma’s notes from the previous year were spread across the table between them, and Hinata had her book open on one side, her calculator on top of the open pages. They were almost through the last page when Hinata hit a wall.

Kenma’s eyes didn’t leave her, but they patiently folded their hands on the table in front of them, “You should finish this problem set before we go play video games.”

“I know, you’re right,” Hinata let her head fall back to the table, feeling tired and overworked. “I  _ have _ to finish this tonight, even if it means I’m up until morning.”

“You won’t be,” they replied steadily. 

“Thanks again for helping me out with this,” Hinata said, stretching her arms across the table, her fingertips grazing the spiral of her notebook “Why did you have to take this class, if you’re a computer science major?”

With a noncommittal shrug, they replied, “I didn’t know I wanted to be a computer science major at first, so I took a lot of different introductory classes.”

“That’s smart, I should have done that, instead of jumping right into sports medicine.”

Kenma’s lips wavered, as if they were about to smile, “If I had decided earlier, I would have less work this semester.” 

Groaning, Hinata let her forehead slip back to the table, hitting it solidly, “I thought college was supposed to be fun! It’s so much more work than I imagined,” she lifted her head and peaked at Kenma through her hair. “Is it more fun the second year?”

Assessing her evenly, they replied, “It’s similar. The fun part isn’t the classwork, Shouyou. Everyone just enjoys living with a lot of people that are the same age.”

“Do _ you _ think that part is fun? What are your roommates like?”

“I live alone. I decided to get an apartment this year because the dorms are so noisy.”

“Oh,” Hinata scrunched up her face, pulling her featured inwards, “Do you still talk to a lot of people from Nekoma then, or people from your classes?”

Exhaling, they said, “The people from my classes aren’t that interesting, and I don’t really talk to anyone from high school either.”

“Not even your volleyball friend? Kuroo?” she prompted, eager to get away from talking about school.

At the mention of her name, Kenma began to shift as if uncomfortable. “Well, no.”

“What!” Hinata yelped, quickly clamping a hand over her mouth to avoid receiving too many dirty looks from students doing actual work. “But you two seemed so close. Did she go to a different school?”

Kenma sighed, as if realizing that Hinata wasn’t going to let it go, “She did. She goes to school a few hours away from here. I saw her a couple of times last year, and once this last summer, but that’s it.”

“Did you guys have a fight?” Hinata asked, concerned. She sat up a little higher in her seat attentively.

After a long, meaningful pause, they said, “No. We didn’t have a fight. Kuroo…” they glanced away, then back to Hinata, “Kuroo wanted something from me I couldn’t really give her. And because of that, we haven’t been in touch as much.”

“Wait,” Hinata squinted at them, as if trying to read their mind, “What did Kuroo want from you?” Her light brown eyes went wide, “ _ Wait _ . You don’t mean—”

Pulling their lips into a thin line, they said, “Kuroo confessed when I graduated.”

Hinata’s eyes went wide, “What did you  _ say _ ?”

“I told her that I couldn’t accept her feelings,” they glanced away, tilting their head so that their long bangs fell in front of their face, “Sometimes, even though you’re really good friends, you’re just not a good romantic match.”

“But, did you like her?” she couldn’t help but ask, the curiosity overflowing until it spilled over her lips.

They turned back to Hinata, an inscrutable look shaping their features. “I really cared about her. I still really care about her, but we would have made a bad couple.”

Leaning back in her seat, Hinata let out a long, steady stream of air from between her lips. “Wow, I never would have guessed that Kuroo wasn’t into guys. She seemed really popular.”

“Hm,” Kenma hummed thoughtfully and glanced at their phone, “I don’t know that she isn’t. All I know is that she confessed to me, but I rejected her.”

“And you really don’t see her anymore?”

“Yeah. We tried to stay friends at first, but…” 

“But?” arching her eyebrows, Hinata leaned forward, needing to know every detail.

“It’s just difficult, when one person wants something more. It doesn’t always work,” Kenma tapped a few buttons on their phone, no doubt checking the status of one of their games. “It’s too bad, I enjoyed talking to her.”

“Wow!” she said again, arching her back against the seat of her chair, her arms pushing at the table. 

“What about…” Kenma blinked, losing their nerve. They tugged the sleeves of their cardigan over their hands, tucking their fingers out of sight.

“What about?” Hinata prompted, bouncing her knee as she waited.

“You and Kageyama? You’re both still on the volleyball team, right?”

“Yeah!” she said brightly, “Kageyama actually asked me to live with her, so we have an apartment on the edge of campus.”

“Oh, that’s great, Shouyou, congratulations.”

Hinata’s smile faltered in confusion, “Congratulations?”

Kenma blinked twice, watching the way Hinata’s eyebrows lifted over her round, warm eyes. “Aren’t you and Kageyama together?”

“T-together?” Hinata laughed, “No way! I don’t think Kageyama is interested in anything besides volleyball. She didn’t really want to live in the dorms, and asked me to live with her when we graduated. It made sense, especially because she’s too mean to live with someone she doesn’t know.”

Watching the way Hinata’s pencil rolled between her fingers, she said, “Oh. Did you come to this school together on purpose, then?”

Hinata rested her chin on the palm of her hand, her elbow on the table. “We were both recruited at a couple of different schools for the teams, and this one gave me a really good scholarship. I’m guessing that Kageyama got a similar deal, because there were a few other schools with stronger athletic programs that reached out to her,” she glanced down to where she was tapping her pencil against her textbook, “I got really lucky! Even though she’s a grouch it’s nice to stay on a team together. No one else can toss to me the way she does.”

“Yeah,” Kenma replied, “It seems like it would be nice.”

Hinata pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, resigning herself to finishing her work, “Just a few more, then we can go back to yours!”

 

Kageyama stared at her phone, alternating between checking it for messages and sending it back to sleep. She was on the couch in the living room, feeling restless. Hinata wasn’t scheduled to work, and while she had mentioned going to see Kenma, she expected her back already. 

With a loud sigh, Kageyama got up, pacing around the living room once before getting herself a glass of water from the kitchen. She set it down on the coffee table, intending to sit, but decided to get some homework and a magazine from her room first. She shuffled papers around on her desk for a minute, scrounging up the most urgent of her assignments, which would be difficult to complete around that week’s practice schedule. She brought that back with her to the living room and sat on the couch. She tried to organize her notes and the homework, but found that she was feeling too restless to even put things into piles, so she stood up again.

An unsteady feeling started brewing in her stomach, right below her ribs, as if she were about to walk into a university entrance exam. She walked from one end of the room to the other, shaking her hands out, trying to shed the feeling taking hold.

The unsteady, restless feeling intensified until it felt like the top of her gut was burning, and she blinked hard, taking a deep breath and suppressing a wave of nausea. For a moment, her ears felt as if they were full of cotton, and her legs started to feel like lead. Her heart started to pound, beating a hard, irregular rhythm in her chest.

_ What the fuck _ , she thought,  _ what the fuck. _

She shook out her hands again and pressed them to her diaphragm, willing the feeling to dissipate. She grimaced, but kept pacing, almost stumbling over the coffee table on her fifth circuit around room. She could almost see herself stepping clumsily back and forth around the furniture, and willed her body to calm down. As if in response, the burning restlessness spread to her lungs.

While she could see herself sidle around the couch and lift the glass of water to her lips, she couldn’t bring herself to breathe. Somewhere along the way, the air had gotten caught in her throat, and she had forgotten to keep breathing.

Feeling dizzy, she kept pacing and began to repeat aloud, “In, out,” to herself in an attempt to regulate her breaths. She took long, deep drags of air in through her nose and pushed the air back out of her burning lungs steadily through her mouth. It felt as though ages had passed by the time her breathing returned to normal, which in turn helped with the twisting in her stomach. Her pacing, which had grown unintentionally quick, began to slow, and she felt tension sinking from the crown of her head to her toes and into the brown carpet of the apartment. Her limbs felt heavy as she began to get control of them once again, and she hadn’t even realized that her muscles had tightened up so badly.

Once the energy was sapped from her frame, she collapsed onto the couch, a heavy exhaustion washing over her.

“What the  _ fuck _ ,” she breathed.

She lifted her hands to her face to cover her eyes and found them shaking. 

Startled, she knotted them together and tucked them under her chin, curling up on herself in the process.

She listened to her breathing, ragged and heavy in the dark, and willed it to normalcy. “It’s okay,” she told herself shakily, her voice sounding warped and distant to her ears. “You’re okay.”

Kageyama lay curled like that for a while, listening to the faraway noises of the campus punctuated by her breathing. For a moment, she dozed, caught between the exhaustion of whatever had happened and the quiet panic it had left behind. After a while, she picked up her phone again and checked for notifications.

When there were none, she scrolled through her campus email, which had managed to pile up over the course of the week. Between volleyball practices, her three lab courses, and the handful of lectures she was in, there was hardly a moment to breathe, let alone check her email.

_ I’m not going to get anything done tonight _ , she thought,  _ I should try going to office hours to see if the TA can help me, or if I can get an extension. _ She grit her teeth, not wanting to fall behind, and not wanting to fall behind Hinata. 

After a handful of campus-wide email threads, she found a message with the course number and “Office Hours this Week!” in the subject line and tapped it open. The message was from the professor, in regards to the TA. The person lined up to assist that semester wouldn’t be available for a few weeks, so there would be a stand-in. 

Their email address was under the first paragraph, in blue: Koushi Sugawara.

Kageyama sat up, bolting upright at the recognition.  _ Hinata will freak _ , was her first thought, and her second was about the last time she had seen the older setter.  _ I’ve never been good at keeping in touch, did she come back to Karasuno to see us play, ever? _

She tried to remember if Suga-senpai’s broad, enthusiastic smile had dotted any of the games from their third year, but could only remember Noya and Tanaka ever coming to cheer. She thought back further, unable to recall her presence during their second year, either.

_ That just leaves her graduation _ , she thought, rereading the email.  _ Oh, shit,  _ graduation. 

Kageyama dropped her head into her hands and groaned,  _ The last time I saw Suga-senpai was right after her graduation ceremony. I went back to get something from the clubroom and she had been in there crying _ . 

Suga had been sitting with her back to the door, her long, platinum hair flowing down her back in lazy wavelets. She wore it tied back in a high ponytail during practice, and during her first year, Kageyama had caught herself thinking Suga was pretty more than once. Each time she stepped onto the court to set the atmosphere changed, and she could shift the tide of the game and the energy of the team with a few well-placed ribbings. Those qualities had pulled Kageyama’s attention even during practice, when the stakes were low. Kageyama had seen her upset or stressed before, but when she walked into the clubroom after graduation Suga was sobbing, her whole body shaking with the effort of her tears. 

Kageyama had tried to backpedal before she noticed her presence, but the sound of the door had given her away. 

Suga had glanced over her shoulder, her eyes red rimmed and glossy, “O-oh, Kageyama-kun,” she had sniffed once and rubbed the backs of her hands over her eyes before laughing. It was a warbly, hollow attempt, and she followed it with an apology. 

“I-it’s okay,” she had replied, awkward and unsure, “Are you alright?”

That watery laugh came again, and she dipped her head, turning her face away from Kageyama for a minute, “Yeah, I’ll be okay. I just needed a minute.”

“Oh, u-um,” Kageyama glanced at the ceiling, the floor, and to the bend, where Suga’s feet were hooked around each other, trembling. “Are you sure?”

Suga rubbed her eyes again and ran her graceful fingers through her hair, pushing it away from her shoulders. It cascaded down her back, and she glanced over her shoulder, her short bangs messy. “Kageyama, I’ll be fine. It’s just...” she took a deep breath, steadying her quivering voice, “Just don’t ever fall in love with someone who can’t love you back,” her expression was deep and pointed, and her malted brown eyes searched Kageyama’s. “And if you do, don’t stay by their side. It feels like the right thing to do, but it isn’t, you’ll only get hurt,” her voice cracked, and she turned away again. 

Overwhelmed, Kageyama had only managed to stutter a “I’ll do my best,” before fleeing the clubroom, abandoning whatever it had been she had forgotten that day. 

She had pushed the memory far and away, mostly out of respect for Suga, but also because she hadn’t wanted to think about who Suga was talking about.  _ I owed her that much for privacy, at least _ . Kageyama frowned, wondering what the chances were of Suga being the stand-in TA for the class she found the most unmanageable. She brought her phone back to her attention and tapped on Suga’s name, pulling up another little window in which she could draft an email.

Kageyama stared at the blank message for what felt like hours before typing in a brief greeting and suggesting a few potential meetings times to catch up and to work on that week’s assignment. After hitting the send button, she dropped the phone to her chest and closed her eyes, only to be started by a notification a few moments later.

Suga’s reply was far more enthusiastic than Kageyama’s curt message had warranted, but she felt a rush of relief at the excitement in her response. In her email, Suga insisted on meeting sooner rather than later, and on treating Kageyama to lunch to catch up before they made time to do the actual work.

_ Okay, this is good.  _ The prospect of seeing her old teammate dried up the residual feelings from her earlier episode. She typed out a response, agreeing to meet later that week at a cafe a few blocks from the main campus.  _ If anyone can help me, it’s Suga.  _ She glanced around the room, the room dark and quiet,  _ If she can’t, I’ll have to figure something else out. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for making Suga cry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: more anxiety chat/experience in this chapter. 
> 
> Sorry for the delay in posting this! I was out of town... But I also went back and cleaned up the previous chapters a little more. Enjoy!

Kageyama scanned the room, her fingers playing on the strap of her backpack as she searched for Suga’s pale hair in the crowded restaurant. It was a weekend, and the cafe Suga had suggested as their meeting place was packed to the brim with students and study groups. Almost every table was occupied, and none of them were occupied by Suga. Feeling nervous, she checked the time. It was a few minutes after when they agreed to meet, and she couldn’t remember if Suga was ever late to anything.  _ It’s been so long, but I don’t think so? _ She sighed and turned, doing another full sweep of the room.

There was still no sign of her, and Kageyama felt her stomach twist, the first sign of whatever unusual discomfort had been plaguing her lately. Unwilling to deal with that feeling at the cafe while she waited for her friend to arrive, she turned to leave. She was pushing the door open to slip outside right as Suga skidded into the frame. 

“Kageyama-kun!” she smiled wide enough to make her eyes disappear and forcefully pulled Kageyama into a tight hug, “I’m sorry I’m late,” she said in her ear, “Sometimes my advisor goes on these tangents and it’s impossible to slip away.” She put her hands on Kageyama’s shoulders and pushed her away, looking the younger student up and down. “You look great! How are you! Did you get even taller?”

“O-oh,” she started, flustered by the sudden and energetic onset of the interaction. “I’m okay,” she said unconvincingly, the feeling in her gut was subsiding, but the stress that made her reach out to Suga in the first place was persistent, “How are you?”

Suga peered into her face, as if seeing right through the fib. Her features, while flushed from rushing from her last meeting, were as open and expressive as Kageyama remembered. She felt the comforting spread of familiarity settle in her chest as Suga said, “I’m good, but  _ starving _ , let’s order and then we can catch up for real.”

Nodding mutely, Kageyama pulled the door open for the two of them, feeling as if Suga’s promise to catch up “for real” was also a warning.  _ Guess I should get ready to spill everything.  _ She felt her chest tighten in warning, and she clamped down on her feelings, focusing instead on the line at the counter.

They moved to order, and Suga glanced from the menu to the packed dining room. “Do you want to order to go, and then go somewhere else to eat? There’s a park a block or two away.”

“Yeah,” Kageyama’s brows lifted, “That sounds great, actually.”

“Okay!” she said, grinning wide, “Perfect.”

A few minutes later, Suga was leading the way down the sidewalk, paper bag in one hand and a travel mug of tea in the other. Kageyama followed diligently, gripping her own lunch tightly, waiting for the questions to start.

“So I found that place part way through my second year. I love their lunch, but they’ve been getting busier and busier. I used to go there every Sunday, but lately you can barely find a table to sit at, even in the mornings. Their food is still good, though, and I found  _ this _ place when I couldn’t find any tables last spring,” she glanced at Kageyama, smiling as they rounded a corner. “It’ll be too cold to sit out here soon, but it’s perfect for today.”

The park was small, but lush and green. Wedged between an apartment complex and an office building, it was overflowing with flowers and colorfully-leafed shrubs. It was tucked far enough back from the trees to be semi-private, and there were picnic tables, a small community garden, and little sculptures decorating the flowerbeds. It was significantly different in feel from the rest of the surrounding area, which was more urban and built up thanks to the proximity of the large university.

“I think it was built for the apartments, and I see people in the gardens in the spring, but most of the time it’s empty during the day,” Suga continued, selecting a sunny table towards the far end of the little park. 

Kageyama took a seat opposite to her, watching as the breeze lifted her hair and threatened the napkins she had taken from her paper bag and set on the table. “It’s pretty nice,” she murmured.

“How is your first semester?” Suga was unwrapping her sandwich, elbowing the white paper bag to the table to keep it from shifting in the light breeze.

She wasn’t looking at Kageyama, seemingly focused entirely on the tofu and vegetable panini she had ordered. Kageyama’s throat thickened, and she took a deep breath. She decided it would be better to get it over with, and easiest when Suga wasn’t meeting her eyes. “Not good, Suga-san.”

Suga looked to the side, as if knowing that Kageyama wouldn’t be able to speak openly if she approached her more directly. She took a bite and chewed slowly, “It’s a big adjustment,” her voice was steady and reassuring, “Are you not getting along with your roommate, or just feeling overwhelmed with all of your coursework?”

“I’m living with Hinata,” she said, her voice thin. She wanted to add,  _ It’s not a big deal _ , but Suga had looked up sharply at the admission. Her mouth was full, and she didn’t respond.  _ Maybe it matters a little _ , Kageyama admitted mentally as she studied Suga’s expression. “I feel like I can’t keep up with my work. She can, though,” she shook her head, unfolding the bag with her own food just to have something to do with her hands, “If that dumbass can stay on top of her work, why can’t I?”

Suga sighed and leaned back in seat, unsure of where to start. She’d had similar conversations with countless first year college students, and usually started by saying  _ It’s not a competition _ , but with Hinata and Kageyama, it had  _ always _ been a competition. “How many classes are you taking?”

“Five.”

Her brows lifted in surprise, “But only the one lab course, right?”

“No,” she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, “Biology, chemistry, and physics. All introductory.”

Blowing air through her lips, she shook her head, “That’s a lot, Kageyama. Is Hinata in all of those courses, too?”

“No, she’s not taking physics. The sections were all full by the time she realized she wanted to take it.”

“Well,” she said thoughtfully, “It sounds like Hinata’s workload is significantly smaller than yours, so if she’s able to keep up a little better, that’s probably why.”

Kageyama took a bite, not tasting it, and nodded. She didn’t feel relieved.

Suga studied her, then deliberately took a sip of tea, “Is it just this class? Because you know I can help you with that,” she smiled widely, “It’s actually my job to make sure you do okay in this class.”

Exhaling, Kageyama dropped her hands to her lap, leaving her food to the side, “Well, I don’t know if it’s just this class that’s the problem. It’s sort of, everything all at once?” her tone lifted at the end of her sentence, as she hadn’t yet pinpointed the cause of all of her stress. She knew Suga well enough to know she wouldn’t get out of explaining herself now that she opened the door to this conversation, but it was difficult to get the words past her lips.

“What else is going on?” Suga’s voice was gentle, her featured relaxed.

Kageyama groaned and put her elbows on the table, dropping her head into her hands in the process. “Every time I catch up with something,”  _ Like my feelings for Hinata,  _ “Something else comes along to ruin my balance,”  _ Like realizing that Coach Ukai probably knew about them _ , “And lately I’ve been feeling really bad, and I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything. But that only seems to happen when I’m alone, trying to do work.”

“Really bad?”

“Yeah, like,” she gestured to her stomach, “Remember when Hinata used to puke before our games when we were first years?”

“Yeah,” she said slowly.

“Like that, my stomach starts to hurt— but not like I’m going to actually be sick— and my heart starts beating really fast, and my hands shake—”

“Kageyama, wait,” Suga’s voice bubbled with concern. “How often do you feel that way? Has it been happening for very long?”

She blew a long stream of air between her lips, “It’s happened a few times, but it only started when the labs began to pick up.”

Suga put her sandwich in its bag, wrapping it carefully and setting it aside. She folded her hands and looked squarely at Kageyama. “Okay, so. It kind of sounds like you’ve been having anxiety attacks.

“W-what?”

“Yeah, it sounds like some of the stuff a friend of mine went through. I can’t tell you that for sure, though. I think you should make an appointment with the campus counselors.”

“Anxiety attacks?” Kageyama felt her stomach fill with dread.

Suga reached across the table and put a reassuring hand on Kageyama’s wrist, “It’s really common, and it’s especially common to experience in school. There’s nothing wrong with it, and if you recognize what’s happening when they start, you can manage them really effectively,” she sighed, “A counselor or doctor could really tell you best. Do you have the phone number for the health office?”

Her eyes dropped to her hands, which were knotted on the table, her knuckles white. She focused on Suga’s hand patting her wrist and willed her hands to unfold. “I might. I think I saw it on a bulletin board in my apartment.”

Suga smiled gently, “Here,” she pulled out her phone and tapped through her applications, “I have it saved. I’ll send you the contact. Has your phone number changed since high school?”

“No,” she said, then exhaled, “Thanks, Suga-san.”

“Of course,” she grinned, “Finish your lunch! I want to hear more about Hinata and volleyball before we start our actual work.”

“Yeah,” Kageyama diligently returned to her food, and felt her shoulders drop some of their tension as she started to think about Hinata. “She’s still really short, I don’t think she grew at all since you graduated.”

Suga choked on a bite, startled into laughter by the statement, “That is not possible. I don’t believe you!”

She ducked her head, hiding the lift of her lips behind taking a large bite, “It’s not completely true,” she said, her mouth full, “But,” she finished chewing and swallowed, then said, “Her serves and spikes have gotten really good. Her receives are still awful.”

Suga laughed, “That’s great to hear. I take it you’re both on the university team?”

“Yeah, the coach likes to wait to see how the team comes together each year before choosing the starting line up. Though there’s a good chance we’ll both be regulars.”

Smiling wistfully, Suga replied, “That’s great. I sort of miss playing, sometimes, but I’m pre-med so all of my time is dedicated to coursework.”

“Wow,” she said, unable to hide being impressed. “That means you’ve taken all the courses I’m in already, right?”

“And then some,” she said brightly, “I was actually hoping to graduate at the end of this year, so I’m very close to being done. But I thought that it might be nice to wait a semester and give myself some more time to apply to medical school,” she shrugged, “so I only have three semesters left instead of four. That just means I have more time to help you— and Hinata, if she likes.”

“The only thing she’s going to want you to help with is volleyball,” Kageyama said drily. 

Her expression shifted away from her easy smile for a moment so brief Kageyama thought she imagined it, “I’m way more useful if I’m helping you with science,” she said with a laugh. “I’m sure even Hinata surpassed me ages ago.” She waved her hand lazily, dismissing Kageyama’s deepening frown. “Is living together going ok?”

Stiffening, she replied, “It’s fine.”

“Hm,” Suga’s eyes narrowed in thought, assessing Kageyama’s response, “I see. Well, I was really surprised to get your message! I’m glad that you’re here,” she took a long drink from her cup and began to pull her notebook out of her bag, flipping through its pages, “Now, let’s go ahead and get started.”

  
  


_ Anxiety attack _ , Kageyama thought blearily.

She was in the library, filling a truck with books to reshelve, when she felt the burning under her ribs, churning in her stomach.

_ I’m having an anxiety attack _ .

Her breathing hitched and came out ragged, and she put her hands on the shelf in front of her, leaning on it and dropped her head. Her heart was starting to pound, and she could feel every pulse reverberating through her ribs and into the rest of her body, making her tremble. 

_ Fuck. I’m having an anxiety attack and I don’t know what to do. Why didn’t I call the health office when Suga told me to? _

Her thoughts were languid, the words drifting together as she tried to wrap her head around her situation. It was the evening, she had gone to her lectures that morning and to volleyball conditioning in the afternoon before coming to the library for her shift. She was halfway through her four hour shift, and hadn’t had an episode since before her conversation with Suga the previous week. She had been hoping that they had resolved themselves.

_ That was fucking dumb to think _ .

The feeling of restlessness Kageyama now recognized as anxiety flared into existence and she dropped into a crouch, supporting herself with one shaking hand as the other pressed to her heart. She willed herself to breathe and for her heart to slow, but the panic only accelerated.

_ What do I do? What should I do? _ The panic was mounting, flooding her vision.

“Kageyama?” Hinata’s voice tore through the silence of the room, which was punctuated only by Kageyama’s uneven breathing, “Are you okay?”

The words came to her ears as if Hinata were miles away instead of meters, and she couldn’t respond.

“Hey, hey,” Hinata made a start towards her, dropping her bag near the entrance. She went and knelt next to Kageyama. Her dark hair hung heavy in front of her face, still damp from the shower she took between the practice and her shift. When she didn’t respond, Hinata gently reached out and tapped her shoulder, “Hey, Bakageyama, what’s wrong?” her voice was soft, delicate.

“Ah,” Kageyama exhaled sharply, her shoulders trembling. Her voice was reedy and strained, “What are you doing here?”

Hinata frowned at the strangled way the words left her mouth, “What are  _ you _ doing? Are you sick? I can call the campus EMT—”

“No,” she shook her head quickly and pressed her hand to her stomach more firmly, “Just a-anxiety.”

Hinata’s eyebrows shot upwards, “Anxiety attack?” 

Kageyama closed her eyes, willing Hinata out of the room, thinking,  _ Shit shit shit, please leave. Let me get through this.  _ She was about to open her mouth to try to tell Hinata to leave when she felt a soft touch pull her hair out of her face. 

“Hey, look at me.”

Kageyama screwed her eyes shut, unwilling.

“Trust me,” her voice was low and calm, and she carefully tucked Kageyama’s hair behind her ear. “I can help,” her hand fell to Kageyama’s shoulder, which she squeezed reassuringly.

She gritted her teeth,  _ Okay, okay, I trust you, so help,  _ she thought pleadingly. She opened her eyes and turned to look at Hinata. Any other moment, and the pronounced concern on Hinata’s features would have blown her away. Now it took all of her focus to lift her eyes to meet that honeyed gaze.

“That’s good,” she hummed, “Just look at me for a minute, okay? Nod if you can.”

Kageyama nodded.

With a thin smile, Hinata dipped her chin in response, “Focus on me, just for a little while. What color is my hair?”

Startled, Kageyama blinked, “What?”

“Trust me,” Hinata repeated, reaching out to rub Kageyama’s shoulder. “What color is it?”

“Red? Orange?”

“Good,” she hummed, “What color is my shirt?”

“Ah— black,” she said, vaguely noticing the name of their old high school written in white.

“Okay, what sorts of things can you hear?”

“Just you.”

“Yeah, the radiator pipes are starting to warm up, too, can you hear them?”

As if invited to listen, Kageyama’s ears opened and she could pick out the quiet creaking of the old library pipes expanding with warm water. “Yes.”

“Good,” she said again, “Can you stand?” she reached out until her hands were on Kageyama’s, who nodded. Hinata guided her to her feet, “Better?”

“A little,” her heart was still pounding, and her limbs felt heavy, but standing unfolded her lungs, and her head began to clear. 

Hinata peered up to look at her, searching her face, “Okay, can you smell anything? Don’t forget to breathe, Kageyama.”

She shifted her weight and closed her eyes, pulling a long drag of air in through her nose, “Just the books.” The dusty, sugary smell filled her nostrils, and it was refreshingly familiar and comforting.

“Do you feel anything?”

“U-um,” Kageyama was suddenly very aware of her hands, which were gripping Hinata’s tightly. She tried to release them, but Hinata kept a firm grip.

“Focus on that, just for a minute,” she said, pulling their hands together until hers were cupping Kageyama’s. “Review everything with me. You can see my hair and my shirt, right?”

She opened her eyes and looked down to Hinata, nodding.

“And you can hear my voice, and the radiators. And smell the books, and you can feel my hands, right?” she pressed them together in emphasis. 

“Y-yeah.”

“Focus on those things and breathe, move if you have to.”

Kageyama nodded mutely, mentally walking herself through each of the things Hinata had pointed out. She felt her heart slow in her chest as her breathing began to return to normal. As her senses returned, she became acutely aware of the low temperature of the room and the warmth of Hinata’s hands around hers.

She took a step forward, until their hands were between their chests, “Hey, hey, look at me,  _ Bakageyama.” _

“Okay,” Kageyama exhaled, “Okay.”

Hinata grinned as Kageyama met her gaze, “Welcome back.”

Still feeling shaky, she dropped her hands, “Thanks,” she said lowly. Her voice trembled and she looked away.

Hinata took a step back but kept her eyes trained on Kageyama, watching her carefully.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said, more sharply than she intended.

Putting her hands up, she apologized, “I just want to make sure you’re alright,” she glanced to the shelves, then back to Kageyama, “Has this happened before?”

Kageyama dropped her head and ran her hands over her face, letting her hair curtain around her.

“Ah—why don’t we head home?” she said quickly, realizing that her private, stoic friend would want to avoid talking about it out in the open.

“I still have at least an hour left,” she replied weakly.

“The books will still be here, just email your supervisor later to let them know you were sick.” Hinata went and grabbed their things. Her bag was on the floor where she dropped it, and she grabbed Kageyama’s things from the corner cubby. “You can pick that hour up this weekend if you want.” She closed the distance between them again, looking into her friend’s miserable face, “Here,” she passed the bag off to her and put a hand on her shoulder. Hinata guided her towards the exit before she could protest.

The walk to their apartment was silent, and the quiet hung thick in the air between them. Kageyama could feel Hinata’s sharp gaze darting over to her with every other step, and she felt herself grow irritated over the pointed concern. When they reached the door, Kageyama pulled her keys from her pocket and said, “I thought you were going to Kenma’s tonight.”

Hinata frowned, puzzled by the question, “I was planning on it, but they ended up being busy. Why?”

She shouldered the door open and made right for the couch without taking her shoes off and without answering. 

Hinata closed the door behind her, stepping on the heels of each shoe to free her feet. Her eyes followed after Kageyama, watching the uncharacteristic slump of her shoulders and the heavy way she collapsed onto the couch.

She stood in the entryway for a moment, chewing her bottom lip in consideration, then leaned down to her bag to retrieve her insulated, sealed travel mug. Hinata padded into the kitchen and grabbed a mug before returning to the living room, where she plopped onto the ground. She leaned against the couch, edging the coffee table towards the middle of the room to make space for herself.

Kageyama was on her back, her feet stretched out and resting on the opposite arm of the couch. She had one arm draped over her face, covering her eyes.

“I was coming down to the reshelving room to bring you something,” Hinata said tentatively, uncapping the lid of the travel mug. She poured the contents into the mug, “It’s another green latte, since you liked the last one. Here,” she slid the mug along the coffee table, into her reach. 

She sighed and didn’t respond, her mouth twisting into a tight frown.

Hinata studied her for a moment, then put her hand on Kageyama’s knee, which made her jump. “Sorry,” she murmured. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I  _ would _ like to know if you’ve been having a lot of those.”

She didn’t think Kageyama would respond, but waited until she finally said, “Some. They started recently. I didn’t know what they were until I talked to Suga.”

“ _ Suga-san? _ When did you see Suga?” her voice jumped in pitch and volume, which made Kageyama’s frown wind tighter, “Ah, sorry,” she said again.

“She’s the TA for my biology class. I saw her last week.”

There was an odd, uncomfortable note in Kageyama’s voice. As much as Hinata wanted to ask more, she waited.

“Sorry,” Kageyama said dryly, shifting until her hands were covering her face, “You weren’t around. I was going to tell you.”

Something like guilt made its way to Hinata’s tongue, and she felt the urge to apologize.

“She asked about you.”

Hinata brought her hands together, pulling the one from Kageyama’s knee. She started to push at the cuticles of one hand, fidgeting. “I hope I can see her soon, maybe she’ll toss for me.”

Kageyama snorted, and Hinata felt the tension seep out of the room a little bit. “You have a one track mind.”

“Untrue,” she said softly. She adjusted the mug on the table then went back to fidgeting with her fingers, “Remember when I used to get so nervous I would get sick?”

“Who could forget you hurling all over Tanaka?”

Hinata rolled her eyes, more pleased than annoyed that Kageyama was beginning to give her a hard time again. “Well, my parents made me see a doctor about it, and they said I had some situational anxiety. They told me to do the thing where you focus on what you can detect with all of your senses.”

Kageyama sighed and dropped her hands from her face, resting them on her chest instead. “It helped, that one wasn’t as bad as the other ones.”

Leaning her head back against the couch, and Kageyama’s leg a little bit, she said, “Good, I’m really glad. There were some other things they told me, too. Like moving around instead of sitting still, because some people tend to lock up, which makes it worse,” she cast a sly look to Kageyama to gauge her reaction. She was staring at the ceiling, her face in a careful scowl.  _ That’s the one she puts on when she really feels terrible _ , Hinata thought absently. “And focusing on your breathing and what you can see or feel is helpful in bringing people out of it. Everyone is different though, and experiences it differently, apparently. The things that helped me might not be the best for you.”

“Oh,” silence stretched between them, and she added. “Suga wanted me to call the health office.”

“Can’t hurt,” Hinata said lightly, bumping her head against Kageyama’s thigh without thinking.

After a moment of quiet, Kageyama sat up, pulling her legs up so that she could put her feet next to where Hinata was leaning on the ground. Hinata looked at her with curiosity, but she avoided the gaze. She reached out, picked the mug up from the table, and leaned back into the couch. She set a tentative hand on Hinata’s head, ruffling her hair, “Thanks for the drink.”

With a relieved sigh, Hinata rested her head against Kageyama’s knee. “Any time.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a brief moment where a character is unintentionally misgendered by another character in this chapter. The moment is one sentence long and it's quickly corrected, but just a heads up.

“Hey, do you mind if Kenma comes over later today?”

Kageyama glanced over to Hinata, who was tugging a clean shirt over her head after their first practice match of the season. The rest of the team were spread out through the locker room, which was triple the size of the one at Karasuno. Kageyama caught a glimpse of her toned stomach and slender hips before she realized. She looked away, feeling the tips of her ears going red and pointedly stared at the floor. “Sure.”

Hinata grinned and said, “That’s great! They’re bringing over a new game and some take out,” she ran her fingers through her hair, finger combing its unruly wave it into submission.

 _How Hinata is able to play with her hair loose is beyond me,_ Kageyama thought, absently lifting the tail end of her braid over her shoulder so she could remove the hair tie. She shook the braid out, letting her hair fall straight against her back, thinking about how uncontrollably messy Hinata’s hair had been when they were first years in high school. She hadn’t known how to have it cut then, and it seemed to stick up in a different direction every day. Now, chin length and only slightly textured to match its wave, it framed her face and gave her a decidedly carefree look. Currently, sweaty from practice and pushed away from her flushed face, she looked younger than ever. Kageyama frowned, sliding her hair tie over one wrist and snapped it against her skin twice in an attempt to push Hinata’s appearance out of her mind.

“What are you making that face for?” Hinata asked, shrugging into her club jacket, “We won! And seeing the other team’s faces when we do our quick _never_ gets old.”

“What face, dumbass?” she asked, coming back to the present. She slid the fingers of one hand under the hair tie on her other wrist, tempted to snap it again.

Hinata wrinkled her nose, making a face at Kageyama’s tone, “You were frowning into the distance like someone dumped your milk out on your shoes, Grumpy-yama.”

“I’m not grumpy, I’m thinking about how much better the ace is at spiking than you are.”

There was a burst of suppressed laughter on the other side of the lockers, and Kageyama glanced up, guessing the ace or one of the wing spikers had overheard the insult.

Kageyama felt a hard yank on her hair and she pitched sideways as Hinata snapped, “It’s not my fault she’s twenty centimeters taller than I am!”

“Hey, watch it!” she caught herself and went to kick at Hinata’s ankles, missing as the shorter girl jumped back, all but tripping over the bench she had just been using. She watched as Hinata stumbled, throwing her fists in front of her in a shallow fighting stance. Kageyama leaned back, gripping the wooden bench with both hands, trying not to drink in her friend’s appearance any more than she already had. “What time is Kenma coming over?” she asked, forcing herself to think of something else.

“Um,” Hinata blinked, dropping her arms as she caught up with Kageyama’s change in subject. “A little later, maybe eight or nine?” She turned and pawed around in her bag, pulling out her phone. A moment later, she confirmed, “Yeah, nine.”

“Okay,” Kageyama glanced at the locker room clock. _It’s not even five, so that gives us four hours to…_ she blinked and stopped herself, feeling irritated at her inability to control the effect Hinata was having on her. “You got out of your shift tonight?”

“Yeah! Kameko-san took my shift because she wanted a different day off, so we traded.”

She didn’t reply, but instead stood to get her things ready to go, “Well, come on. You need to pick your shit up out of the living room anyway.”

Hinata made a show of rolling her eyes, “Oh please, Kageyama. I’m sure it all belongs to you, anyway.”

Kageyama zipped her bag and slipped into her pullover, giving Hinata a warning look as she lifted her hair from the collar. She didn’t say anything in response, just made her way towards the exit, saying goodbye to their teammates as she passed.

Hinata, as usual, used the walk back to the apartment to reenact each of their best plays from the practice match, complete with the ridiculous sound effects that Kageyama would never openly admit to enjoying. She didn’t listen to Hinata chatter on their way back, instead spending the time reigning in her feelings, which seemed have kicked up in intensity since her meeting with Suga a few weeks prior. Each day, she felt like she was discovering a new appealing quality or remembering something about Hinata she had purposefully refused to acknowledge. Today, it was the set of her hips and the graceful, controlled way she walked. The way she carried herself was due completely to her freaky athleticism, which was one of the few things Kageyama was obligated to appreciate.

 _Maybe it’s because she hasn’t been around as much_ , Kageyama thought, watching as Hinata lifted her hands over her head to demonstrate one of their opponents failed plays. Her roommate had been busier than usual lately, either spending time with Kenma or at study groups that sounded more like social meetings than academic. She had been making a point to text with a greater frequency than usual, which Kageyama simultaneously appreciated and ignored.

Although it had been a couple of weeks since her meeting with Suga, and she had still neglected to make an appointment with the health office about her panic attacks. She had called, once, after Hinata had walked in on her freaking out in the reshelving room, but the staff had been at lunch. She’d hung up before the machine prompted her to leave a message.

With a sigh, she tucked her chin against the early evening air. The days were getting noticeably cooler, and she mentally reminded herself to order a couple of space heaters for the apartment. _One for my room, and one for the living room, which Hinata will end up using._

“What is _with_ you?” Hinata suddenly appeared in front of her, walking backwards as Kageyama trudged towards their apartment.

“Oh,” she blinked, shedding her distraction, and quickly lied, “I was thinking about the work I have to do tonight.”

“Make sure you get it done before Kenma comes over! I want to beat you at the game they’re bringing,” she turned and fell in line with Kageyama on the sidewalk. “Besides, have you done the calculations for the biology problem set yet? I’ve been having a hard time with some of the questions and I wanted to ask you about them.”

Kageyama thought back on the pile of homework she had dumped on her desk before practice, “I haven’t done it, but I have to do my physics first, because that’s due tomorrow.”

Hinata ran a hand through her hair, making it stick up, “That will take you like, three minutes, you’re amazing at physics.” She turned her round, open gaze to Kageyama, “Help me with the biology after, though!”

“Fine. I was going to ask Suga to check it over for me when it’s done,” she trained her eyes on the sidewalk ahead of her, unable to reject Hinata’s requests. _As per usual_ , she lamented.

Hinata made an exasperated noise, “I texted Suga but her schedule is the exact opposite of mine. I really want to see her!”

“She wants to see you too, so you will.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“You act like I’ve seen her more than once,” Kageyama rolled her eyes. They arrived at their building a moment later and began to make their way up the stairs.

“You’ve seen her more than I have!”

“That’s not my fault, dumbass.”

In response, Hinata poked Kageyama hard in the ribs, making her jump. “Still isn’t fair.”

Glowering, Kageyama rubbed her side, watching as Hinata fished her keys from her bag to open their door.

Hinata glanced at Kageyama as she slid the key into the lock, surprised by the lack of retaliation. She pursed her lips, shouldering the door open and kicking off her shoes as she considered her friend. She’d been unsure about what Kageyama would want from her after that day in the reshelving room, and since Kageyama was never one to talk about anything sensitive, she’d opted for a generous helping of space. It had been easy to do, given how busy the semester was getting, but the decision hadn’t been sitting right with Hinata. When she _did_ see Kageyama, her setter was always distracted and wearing frown that was more pained than aloof. Taking a deep breath, she made a point to make her voice bright, “Dibs on the shower!”

Usually this announcement would spur Kageyama to barrel down the hallway in her socks, with Hinata close behind as they both slid clumsily on the laminate hardwood floor. This time, Kageyama shrugged, “Go for it. Just don’t use all the hot water like you did the other day.”

“Um,” Hinata tugged on a strand of her hair, unsettled by Kageyama’s lack of fighting spirit, and tucked her hand under her chin, “Would you mind starting me some water for tea?”

Kageyama was carrying her bag down to her room. She cracked the door open wide enough to drop it inside and grabbed the hem of her sweater. “Sure, just hurry up, I want to wash my hair,” she pulled the sweater over her head, and Hinata noticed her practice jersey begin to ride up with it before Kageyama disappeared into her room. A moment later, she walked down the hall with a stack of notebooks and folders in her arms. “Are you just going to stand there?”

“Oh, right!” she bolted down the hallway, leaving her bag behind.

Kageyama dropped her study materials on the coffee table in the living room before going into the kitchen to fill the kettle with water. Hinata had brought it to school from home, and it was likely as old as they were, with chipped paint revealing imperfect metal beneath.

Once it was full she set it on the stove and turned the dial for the burner. The heating element creaked as it began to warm, and Kageyama dragged herself to the living room, feeling uninspired. She considered her pile of homework for a moment, then surveyed the room. There were sweaters and practice uniforms on the couch, mostly Hinata’s, and a couple of other things she decided to pick up and take to Hinata’s room. She gathered everything she could in her arms and checked the dining room, which seemed to be where everything in the apartment eventually ended up.

There was another significant pile of books, sports gear, and trash, so Kageyama decided to take the things she had in her arms to Hinata’s room first. When she passed the bathroom door, she could hear Hinata humming loudly over the rush of the water.

The door to her room was open, and Kageyama turned the light on, exposing its mess. With a sigh, she dumped everything she was holding onto the unmade bed. Kageyama knew, from three years of overnight sports trips, that Hinata was chaos itself when she slept. Kageyama glanced down and kicked a pillow out of her path, pausing for a moment to admire the numerous volleyball posters Hinata had caringly tacked to the walls. On her desk, which was also a disaster, was a three-paneled picture frame, each window holding the team photo from their years at Karasuno. Above that, adjacent to the window, was the poster of the Little Giant, which Kageyama had enlisted Yachi’s help in making for Hinata’s birthday one year.

Kageyama turned and left, retrieving the things from the dining room. She was setting everything on Hinata’s desk chair when she heard the bathroom door open.

A second later, Hinata appeared in the doorway, her hair folded up in one towel with another wrapped loosely around her chest. At the sight of her skin, beaded with water and bright pink from the shower, Kageyama started, knocking a folder from the stack to the floor unintentionally.

“I would have picked all that stuff up before Kenma got here,” she said flatly, unperturbed by her roommate’s presence in her room.

Kageyama lifted the folder from the floor reminded herself that she had seen Hinata in various stages of undress plenty of times after practices. _Get it together, dumbass,_ she told herself. As if to rescue her from that moment, the tea kettle began to whistle from the kitchen. She straightened up, “It’d be better if you just didn’t leave all your shit laying around.”

Hinata rolled her eyes and tugged the towel from her head, carelessly tossing it aside as Kageyama scurried out of the room to both tend to the kettle and catch her breath.

They spent the next few hours tidying up the apartment and pouring over their homework. Kageyama kept returning to the kettle to warm more water for all of the tea they were chugging as they struggled through each of the lengthy, involved questions provided to them. Kageyama’s physics homework was considerably easier than their biology or chemistry work, so she had gotten that done and out of the way before wrestling the other subjects alongside Hinata.

One moment, a few minutes before Kenma arrived, Kageyama looked up from her work and across the coffee table to Hinata, who was sitting on the floor, one knee under her chin as she chewed the end of her pencil. Worksheets and notes littered the floor and covered every centimeter of the table, and Hinata was focused on the problem in front of her, absently turning her mug of tea with her free hand as she thought. The string of lights they hung across the walls at the beginning of the semester but rarely used were on, giving the room a soft, intimate glow. The room was quiet, they hadn’t even put on music while they were cleaning up or working, and Kageyama felt an intense rush of familiarity, sitting with Hinata to do work they should have started days ago. Riding beneath that feeling was a sense of newness at sharing this routine in their own space.

Her chest tightened, and for a moment she felt totally content. She was as close to Hinata as she could ever be, and they were still inseparable on the court. Before she could take in the tilt of Hinata’s head or the way her hair curled at the edge of her jaw, the warmth in her chest was replaced by frustration because ultimately, she wanted _more_. She couldn’t help but want more, not when Hinata was constantly there, running alongside her or flitting from one end of the court to the other. Not when she was there, hunched over her books at their table, or making breakfast and eating at the window with Kageyama every morning even though it made her late to class. Her mouth was full of frustration because she knew she would never have more, and would never even be able to tell Hinata that she wanted more.

Her throat burned, and she dragged her eyes back down to her work, fighting the churning feeling in her stomach.

There was a knock at the door, and Hinata jumped up, “That’s them!” she said excitedly, kicking a textbook away as she scrambled to the door.

With a sigh, Kageyama leaned back and began to gather up her papers. She wanted to ball them up and throw everything away, but instead put everything of hers in one neat stack and everything of HInata’s in a matching pile while she welcomed Kenma into the apartment.

Kageyama stood as they entered the living room, a passive look on their face. They tilted their head in greeting, “Hi, Kageyama.” They had a takeout bag in one hand, and a cotton totes resting on the other shoulder. They were wearing a powder blue cardigan over a plain cream v-neck and olive colored pants. Their hair, still pale blonde except for the roots, framed their face, falling to their shoulders in straight, shiny lines.

“Kozume,” she replied, feeling awkward. “Come on in.”

“Thank you,” they said, ducking their head and looking around the room, “I brought some some yakisoba, some steamed buns, and some drinks. I wasn’t sure what the two of you liked so I just got different things.”

“Oh, that sounds great! Thank you for bringing dinner, we can eat in the living room,” Hinata gestured to the coffee table and Kenma complied, setting the take out bag there and gently sliding the tote from her shoulder. They crouched and gently pulled out a console, a handful of games, and the associated controllers and cables.

“I’ll get some plates and utensils,” Kageyama offered, slipping out of the room while the other two set up the system. Her stomach had settled, and she was trying to focus on getting the right number of plates instead of on her frustration regarding Hinata.

The game Kenma brought over was a new fighting game, and they had already unlocked most of the characters, which Hinata found impressive. The two of them squared off while Kageyama ate, and after a particularly devastating loss Hinata announced that it was Kageyama’s turn to play. In response, she slipped off the couch and traded placed with Hinata, who had been playing next to Kenma on the floor.

She also lost, and felt herself getting irritated at the game. “Since it’s my first time playing this it doesn’t count.”

“What!” Hinata put her foot in the center of Kageyama’s back and pushed, “Since you’re changing the rules I’m taking a loss off of my tally, too.”

“Do whatever you want,” Kageyama grumbled, leaning back against Hinata’s foot until she relented.

“Here,” Kenma brought up a menu screen with possible moves and their button combinations, which earned them both another whine from Hinata. “Take a look at a few of the simple ones, then will try.”

“Kenma! Why didn’t you show _me_ the move list?”

“Maybe she knows you’re too dumb for it to help anyway—” Kageyama stopped herself and turned to Kenma, grimacing, “Ah, sorry, Kozume—”

They gave her a small, reassuring smile, “Thank you for apologizing. Every once in awhile I use feminine pronouns, so it doesn’t bother me that much.”

Relieved, Kageyama dropped her head, “Okay, I’ll try to do better, though.”

Kenma nodded approvingly and Hinata said, “Jeez, Kageyama, I know you’re just trying to leave the moves up on the screen for longer. Pick a couple and avenge me!”

Kageyama memorized a few combinations, but Kenma destroyed her in the second round. The three of them took turns, using their breaks in gameplay to stuff their faces even though they were all already full. After Kageyama beat Hinata for the upteenth time, Kenma suggested a different game they could all play together.

They played that for another hour, then talked homework over dinner left overs and tea when their eyes became too grainy from staring at the screen. By the time they left, it was past two am, which Hinata used as an excuse when she invited Kenma to crash on their couch. They politely refused, mentioning that they needed to work first thing in the morning. “But maybe next time,” they said, in response to Hinata’s exaggerated complaints.

After they left, Hinata flopped onto the couch next to Kageyama, throwing her feet over her roommate’s lap in the process. She pushed back against Kageyama’s attempts to push her feet to the floor, and once they were settled and the room felt quiet and sleepy, she said, “Kenma is kind of cute, right?”

The words shot through Kageyama, leaving her ears ringing. Her breath stopped in her throat, and she managed to say, “I-I guess. Didn’t you say that they’re seeing that Kuroo chick?”

“Nah. Apparently Kuroo was into Kenma, but Kenma felt like they wouldn’t have been a good couple. Something about how being good friends doesn’t mean you’ll be good partners, or something.”

Kageyama felt the air leave her lungs, and she wanted to ask Hinata more about what she thought about that sentiment. She first needed to make sense of Hinata’s earlier statement, which was running through Kageyama’s head on repeat. She felt a warning restlessness in her stomach, and she said, “Huh,” and excused herself to go to the bathroom, violently shoving Hinata’s legs from her lap in the process.

With the bathroom door shut behind her, she did the only thing that made sense. She called Suga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had such a mean case of writer's block lately. Finally started getting into my groove again, hopefully I'll get the next chapter drafted and posted in a few days!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day... I guess my writer's block is cured.

It was almost three in the morning when Suga opened the door of her house to Kageyama. She was wrapped in a blanket, wearing fleece pajama bottoms patterned with little birds, and her hair was pushed to one shoulder, falling in perfect waves. Gratitude washed through Kageyama, “Suga-san, I-I’m sorry for calling so late, thank you for having me.”

She smiled, “That’s okay, I had only been home for a few minutes when you called. Come on in,” she stepped to the side as an invitation. “Just about everyone is asleep, though, so we’ll have to be quiet.”

“I can leave if your roommates—”

Suga waved a hand, interrupting her before she could finish, “It’s fine, it’s a weekend night and all of my roommates are close friends, so don’t worry,” she grinned, setting Kageyama at ease. “Let me show you around, and then we can talk.” She padded down the hall, leading Kageyama to the living room first. The entire house was cozy and lived-in, the rooms filled with mismatching furniture and the walls covered in art. Kageyama noticed small things that were very Suga, like the excess blankets and pillows in the living room, or the neat stacks of research papers and textbooks at the kitchen table.

“How many people do you live with?” Kageyama asked, after Suga had pointed out the bathroom and lead her to the kitchen.

“Four! I was in the dorms freshman year, so I live with one of my roommates from there and another girl that lived on my floor. Mostly just friends I made in student clubs,” she gestured to the barstools at the kitchen island, “I love living with all of them, and I’ll introduce you tomorrow if they’re around.” She stepped around the counter and asked, “Do you want something to drink? I have juice, milk, wine, tea…”

Kageyama considered the milk, but asked, “What kind of tea do you have?”

“Oh, mostly herbal, but I have decaf chai and some decaf black tea,” she smiled apologetically, “I ran out of green tea, but my roommates might have some.”

“Chai, please. With milk?” 

Suga nodded and turned away. She flipped the switch on the electric kettle sitting near the stove, then went about pulling mugs and satchels of tea from the cabinets. “So, tell me what’s going on.”

Kageyama dropped her head into her hands and groaned, feeling foolish. She tried to gather her thoughts, unsure of where to start.

Sensing her hesitation, Suga said, “You’re welcome here any time, and generally without expectations. But this time around you have to spill.” She set a mug in front of her and leaned on the counter, waiting.

“I know,” she sighed and looked up, “Suga, I—” she shook her head and took a deep breath, “I’m in love with Hinata.”

Suga looked at her steadily, breaking eye contact to retrieve the kettle from its stand after the switch clicked into the off position. As she poured the water into each of their mugs, she said, “I know.”

“You  _ know? _ ” she asked incredulously, her ears starting to burn.

She put the kettle back in its place and leaned her back against the far counter, “Well. I knew before, when we were at Karasuno. And when you said you two lived together I assumed it was still the case.”

“H-how did you know?” Kageyama hadn’t realized her own feelings until partway through their second year, and couldn’t wrap her mind around Suga knowing before that.

Suga sighed, drumming her fingers on the table, “I had a feeling, called it a sixth, gay sense or something. I saw a lot of myself in you, even outside of being the same position on the team,” she retrieved the milk from the fridge and set it next to Kageyama’s mug. Steam rose lazily from its contents, the water still thin in color. “But there’s more to it,” she said, her tone commentative instead of inquiring, “You sounded upset on the phone, does this have to do with your panic attacks, too?”

Kageyama sighed, dunking her tea bag into the water a few times to speed up the steeping. Her lips were pressed into a thin, tense frown, “I don’t know if my panic attacks have much to do with her. They might, a little,” she admitted, “You know how she is.”

Suga waited for her to continue, looking at her steadily.

Kageyama dropped her head into her hands again, feeling the pressure, “She hasn’t been around as much, and today she invited someone over.”

“Oh?” Suga lifted her perfect brows. “Like a boyfriend?”

“No,” she shook her head, and another word slipped out of her mouth before she could help it, “Worse.”

“What’s worse than being in love with a straight girl with a boyfriend?” Suga asked, her tone taking on a slightly bitter edge, “Wait, did Hinata ever date while you were in high school?”

Kageyama shook her head, “No.”

An inscrutable look passed over Suga’s fair features, “Did she ever confess to anyone?”

Miserable, she said, “No,” and when a memory floated into view, added, “When the younger students asked her about it she always said she was waiting for the right person to ask her out.”

“Kageyama,” Suga was frowning, “Who did she bring over?”

“An old friend from Nekoma, who goes here. When they left she said they were cute,” Kageyama folded her arms on the counter and let her head sink into them.

She heard Suga rustle around, then heard the light ‘tink’ of a spoon being placed in her cup, “They? Hinata must have met them during volleyball, if they were from a different high school.”

“Yeah,” she said flatly, “They were on the team there.”

“Ah,” she said, understanding. “So, you’re freaking out because Hinata might actually be queer, and because she might be interested in someone else,” she lifted her mug and pulled the tea bag out, squeezing the excess tea from it with the string and spoon, “That is actually worse than being in love with a straight girl, but not by much,” she said drily.

Kageyama sat up and stirred her tea, removing the bag and adding milk, all while feeling a heavy exhaustion settle over her shoulders. “That’s the only explanation to why should would say they’re cute, right? Because she’s interested.” She stared into her tea, feeling despondent. “She was so in love with Shimizu-san, I was so sure she was straight.”

“You’ve never told her about your sexuality, have you?”

Kageyama gave her a flat look, “I’ve never told anyone.”

“Oh, Kageyama,” she shook her head and set her mug on the counter, then came around the island and put an arm around her. Suga kept the blanket she wore balled up in one hand, bringing Kageyama into the fold. She put her chin on her shoulder, bringing the younger girl in close, “You need to at least tell her.”

The blanket was warm, and the easy pressure on her shoulder was comforting. Kageyama relaxed into the unfamiliar gesture of comfort and said, “I can’t.”

With a snort, Suga admonished, “You just don’t want to.”

Defeated, Kageyama leaned her head until she was resting against Suga’s. It was an awkward position, but she felt herself be comforted by the additional contact. After a long pause, she said softly, “Thanks, Suga.”

She could feel, rather than see, the other girl’s smile, “Anytime,” she ruffled Kageyama’s hair and went to retrieve her tea, “Since it’s so late, did you want to stay the night? I pulled my extra futon out for you.”

“Um, I didn’t bring anything over,” she admitted, having rushed out of the house as soon as Suga had said she could come.

“That’s okay,” she looked over her tea to Kageyama, now amused. “I have extra things you could sleep in. They might be a little short, but you’ll live. Are you busy tomorrow?”

She shook her head, “I have to drop some homework off at a TA’s office hours tomorrow, but that’s not until late in the day.”

Suga smiled, “Good, I usually don’t do much of anything on Sundays. I have a little work to do, but you should stay as long as you like tomorrow. Does Hinata know that you’re gone?”

“No,” she admitted, “I told her I was going to bed, then left when she was in the bathroom.”

Suga shook her head again and finished her tea, depositing her mug in the sink, “She’s going to worry.”

“I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

With an easy shrug, Suga said, “As long as you actually do.”

Kageyama pounded the rest of her tea, which had reached the perfect temperature, “I will,” she said, more sure.

“Finished?” Suga offered to take the mug and put everything away, and Kageyama nodded. With that finished, Suga lead her up the stairs to her room, where there was a futon laid out and made up with pillows and blankets. “I’ll get you something to sleep in, then we can crash for the night. Sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” she said.

Suga retrieved a pair of cotton pajama pants and an oversized tee from her drawers and directed Kageyama to the bathroom. “There should be a fresh toothbrush in the cabinet. Use whatever toothpaste or floss or whatever is in there. Just make yourself at home.”

Kageyama nodded, overwhelmed by her generosity. As she went down the hall, she thanked the volleyball goddesses that Suga went to her school, and was as inviting and understanding as Kageyama remembered. She took a few minutes to change, feeling drained from earlier, but a little more relaxed and ready for bed. When she returned to Suga’s room, Suga stood from where she was sitting on the bed to go to the bathroom to wash up.

“Go ahead and plug your phone in and get comfortable,” she said as she left.

A few minutes later, they were both tucked into their beds with the lights off. Suga felt herself beginning to drift to sleep when Kageyama asked her, almost too quietly to hear, “Have you ever confessed to another girl before?”

Sighing, she said, “A few times. The first time, I was rejected, and it hurt, because I had loved her for a long time, but,” she paused, thinking, “I don’t regret it. I learned that it’s freeing to be true to my feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them out of fear. I had a girlfriend for a little while at the end of my freshman year,” she smiled into the dark, “And that was pretty awesome.”

“What happened to that?” she asked sleepily.

“Oh,” she sighed, “It just got a little too serious for me. But she was understanding. Most people are, as long as you’re upfront with what you’re feeling.”

Kageyama hummed in response, fading into sleep.

 

“Morning, Suga! You’re getting up late,” one of Suga’s roommates was at the stove, cooking breakfast. They had a slender build and a haircut that caught and kept Kageyama’s attention. Their thick brown hair was longer on one side, falling past their cheek, and short on the other, coming only to their ears. It was obviously unstyled, but still seemed to fit their image. They were wearing a flannel, the sleeves rolled past their elbows, a faded band tee shirt, and loose-fitting pair of faded jeans.

“Haru! I didn’t expect to see you today, I thought you would have for the lab left already.” Suga asked, leading the way into the kitchen. She walked to the coffeemaker and began to work through emptying and getting it ready to brew. “Haru, this is my friend, Tobio Kageyama, we went to highschool together, and she’s a first year here. Kageyama, this is Haru Kanada, one of my roommates.”

Haru grinned widely and waved, “Hi Kageyama, it’s nice to meet you. Do you have a pronoun preference?”

Surprised, Kageyama said, “O-oh, um, female pronouns are fine. It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Great! I hope you don’t mind me asking. I like neutral ones,” they added brightly.

“I don’t mind,” she said politely.

Suga smiled reassuringly at her, then asked Haru, “Is anyone else around today?”

“Ryota is still sleeping, I think he had a rough night, but Aoki and Jiri both went out.”

“Oh,” Suga said thoughtfully, “Did he go out with that guy again?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Haru switched the stove off and went to reach for a plate, stepping gracefully around Suga, “I think things with them are going well, but Ryota went to bar hopping last night so he’ll be feeling it today.”

“ _ Tell _ me he didn’t go to karaoke with the new guy.”

“I think the new guy invited  _ him _ to karaoke!” they said, laughing.

Suga grinned, then explained to Kageyama, “Ryota, when he’s been drinking,  _ cannot _ control himself if karaoke is involved. He probably scared the poor guy away for good.”

“I heard that,” came a gruff voice from the doorway.

“Good morning!” Haru said brightly, causing Ryota to wince.

“Easy, easy,” he said. He was tall, with a broad build and a deep voice. His hair, black and fine, was undercut and messy on top. He was wearing a pair of athletic shorts and socks, and had obviously just rolled out of bed. He turned his dark eyes to Kageyama and mumbled, “Good morning.”

Kageyama glanced at Suga for assistance, who snickered. “Ryota, this is Kageyama, she was my junior in highschool. Kageyama, another roommate, Ryota Takano.”

He nodded, “Kageyama-chan.”

“Nice to meet you, Takano-san.”

“Oh, he doesn’t deserve that much respect,” Haru said, taking a seat at the bar and patting the chair next to them.

“Haru doesn’t believe in using honorifics at all,” Suga said, pulling out a container of eggs from the fridge and picking up the pan they left behind, “Can I use this? I’ll wash it.”

Haru gestured their permission, “It just requires too many assumptions. I think we should do away with gendered language all together. You know Spanish is pretty gendered, with word endings indicating gender, but they’ve started to use new, neutral word endings more and more.”

“It makes sense to me, but good luck getting any traction with that,” Ryota said, checking the coffee maker, “Thank god this is already going. Are you responsible, Koushi?”

She laughed, “Yes, and there’ll be plenty for everyone.”

“Ah, you’re a saint,” he said, patting her shoulder as he drifted past her to the cabinet. He took a glass from one of the higher shelves and filled it with water. He leaned on the counter between the fridge and the stove, making Suga step around him when she needed access to other ingredients. He addressed Kageyama, “What’s your major, Kageyama?” he asked, letting the honorific drop away.

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Oh, you’re a first year?” 

“Yeah, but I have been leaning towards physics.”

“Oh, nice!” he grinned, “I’m in the mathematics department, and this is a science-heavy house, so you’ll be at home here.”

“Yeah, with the exception of Aoki, we’re all in the sciences,” Suga said as she tended to the stove.

“Did you all meet in class?” Kageyama asked, trying to carry the conversation the way any normal person would. She tucked her hands under the thighs, feeling a little nervous despite everyone’s welcoming demeanor.

“Actually, Haru and I met for the first time in class, but we three became friends because we’re all in the same club,” Suga explained.

“Which club?”

“It was the LGBTQIA Alliance,” Ryota supplied, checking the status of the coffee machine.

“Wait,” Kageyama looked between the two of them, “There are… clubs?”

Ryota and Haru glanced at Suga, who shrugged, “Of course there are, Kageyama. There’s more to life than volleyball, despite what you may think. You should come to a meeting sometime, I think you would like it.”

“Oh,” she said, rolling the idea over in her head, she looked up to find three sets of eyes considering her. Swallowing, she said, “I’m, um, a lesbian, but I’m still kind of—” she faltered, gesturing aimlessly.

“Figuring it out?” Haru asked, a knowing smile on their lips.

“Y-yeah, I guess.”

Ryota nodded and took the coffee pot from the machine to pour himself a cup, “We’ve all been there,” he glanced over his shoulder at her, “I’ve always known, but didn’t start telling people until I got to university.”

“That’s where I’m at,” she said, dropped her eyes to the counter.

“What’s important is to go at your own pace,” Haru said, clearing their plate and taking it to the sink.

Suga brought Kageyama a plate with an omelette, a strip of grilled fish, and a helping of white rice sprinkled with wakame, “I hope you don’t mind, the rice is left over from last night,” she brought a pair of chopsticks and asked if Kageyama wanted any coffee.

“Just milk, please,” she said, taking in the meal, “This looks really good, thank you, Suga.”

She grinned from the other side of the kitchen island as she readied a glass of milk, “Of course. There’s more, too, if it’s not enough.”

Trying not to inhale everything in one go, Kageyama nodded and picked up her utensils and started to slowly eat, savouring each bite. 

Haru began to wash dishes and Suga took their chair, happily tucking into her meal. Ryota added cream and sugar to his coffee then drifted out of the kitchen, saying on his way, “Hope to see you soon, Kageyama.”

“Th-thank you,” she said, mumbling around a large mouthful of fish and rice.

They chatted with Haru while they ate. Kageyama really liked them, they ribbed Suga as much as Suga ribbed everyone else, and was constantly cracking good-natured jokes. When they finished with their dishes, they went up to their room to get ready for the rest of the day, leaving Suga and Kageyama to finish their breakfast.

“How are you feeling, today?” Suga asked, getting up to refill her coffee cup.

“Better,” she said.

“It’s cool that you came out to my roommates, I didn’t expect you to.”

Heat rose to her cheeks and her ears went red, “I didn’t expect to, either.”

“It’s good practice, though,” Suga said lightly, “You couldn’t have picked a better crowd.”

Kageyama nodded, finishing her food and draining the last of her milk. “I can do the dishes,” she offered, making a move to stand and go to the sink. 

Suga waved her off, “You get a pass this time. Is there anything you’d like to do today?”

Kageyama shook her head, feeling as though if she stayed much longer she would overstay her welcome, despite Suga having told her otherwise. “I think I might get dressed and head home soon.”

Suga nodded, collecting their plates and heading over to the sink, “You think you’re going to talk to Hinata today?”

“I’m not going to confess to her, but I might try to talk to her about… me,” she said stiffly.

“Like Haru said, go at your own pace,” she said, smiling until it reached her eyes. 

“Okay, I’m going to get ready,” she said unnecessarily, making her way out of the room and up the stairs.

Once in Suga’s room, she changed and folded everything up, including the sheets and the futon, stacking everything neatly and setting it to the side. She picked her phone up from the floor, where it was still plugged in, and saw half a dozen missed calls from Hinata. There were double the number of messages, each one more concerned than the last. She tapped the phone against her lips in thought, then sent her a terse message letting her know that she was on her way home soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS Suga is my dream woman.


	8. Chapter 8

Kageyama laid on her bed, wearing a fresh set of clothes, and scrolled through the messages from Hinata for what was probably the tenth time. The first one was sent only minutes after she had escaped the apartment to go to Suga’s. The next was only a few minutes after that.

_ Where’d u go??? _

_ Are u ok?? _

There was a missed call following those two messages, which Kageyama hadn’t heard because she had been running across the campus. The next ones came a few hours later, while she had been sleeping.

_ Bakageyama im pretty worried _

_ U left ur keys!!!! _

_ Did something happen? _

_ Just let me kno if ur ok _

There were a few others, then Kageyama’s reply:

_ I’m fine, be home soon. _

She reread her response a couple of times, wondering if it was good enough, then scrolled down to Hinata’s reply.

_ Dont freak me out like that!!! _

_ I got called into the bean, be home at 4 _

Kageyama checked the time, it was almost two. She still had to turn her physics homework in during the TA’s office hours, which started at two thirty in the library. As she contemplated going to the Bean after she was done turning her work, she dropped her phone. It bounced violently off her face and landed on her pillow, which left her scowling.  _ Payback, for disappearing without telling Hinata,  _ she thought drily, grabbing it and setting it on her chest.  _ How did she even realize I was gone, anyway? She never bugs me after I go to bed. _

Feeling restive, she got up and paced around her room, then walked out to the livingroom, where their homework was still in stacks. It had been moved from the coffee table to the floor, between the couch and the loveseat. She rifled through her pile and pulled out the homework she needed to hand in, intending to check it over again. She snorted,  _ I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point of checking my homework before handing it in. Yachi would be so proud.  _

She grabbed her physics notebook and flipped the pages open to the most recent unit, which was what was covered in the assignment. She skimmed her notes as she went over the problems individually, feeling confident in her calculations and explanations. She was on the last problem when she came across a small doodle on her notes.

It was a quick penciled sketch of a cartoon volleyball, complete with a face, hands, and feet on the corner of the page. There was a little speech bubble coming from it, with the words, “Hang in there!” in Hinata’s sloppy handwriting.

Kageyama set the sheet down and drummed her fingers on the page, frowning.  _ She must have drawn it when I got up to make tea or get something from my room.  _ Hinata doodling on Kageyama’s work was nothing new, but the words of encouragement were. 

The knowledge that Hinata might, possibly, maybe be interested in people who weren’t male coupled with the concerned messages and encouraging doodle sparked the faintest of glimmer of hope in Kageyama’s chest, which she quickly quashed.  _ Get it together, dumbass. She said Kenma is cute, if she likes anyone it’s not you. _

Feeling frustrated at herself, she grabbed a pillow from the couch and chucked it across the room. It hit with a quiet “thump” and rolled to the floor, not quite satisfying her irritation. She glanced at her phone again, it was ten past two, and there was an text from Suga.

_ Good luck, Kageyama. I’m rooting for you! Haru and Ryota really liked you, btw. _

_ Come back soon. _

Kageyama read it a few times, then closed her phone and slid it into the back pocket of her jeans. She took a deep breath and collected her homework, walking back to her room to grab her backpack and a hoodie.

She had already stuffed her feet into her shoes when she realized she didn’t have her keys. Instead of taking them off again to go find them, she left the door unlocked behind her.

She walked slowly to the library, taking her phone out to reread her messages after she checked the location of the physics office hours.  _ I should have shown these to Suga _ , she thought as she thumbed through Hinata’s messages again, looking for hidden meanings.

The library was packed, with almost every table at capacity. Despite it being so crowded, there was a tense hush in the air. As it got closer to midterms, Kageyama found the library increasingly crowded, which was also reflected in the number of books making their way to the reshelving room during her shifts. 

She tended to avoid doing any studying at the library because she found it too distracting. People from her classes would occasionally walk by and want to chat when they noticed her. She preferred to do most of her work at the apartment,  _ Not that Hinata isn’t the most distracting person around _ . She sighed and turned a corner, heading towards the private group study rooms that were beyond the reading room.

After checking the room number against her phone, she pushed open the door to the largest of the group study rooms. The TA and another student from the class were bent over the assignment, working through one of the problems. There were a few others from class sitting around the table, finishing up their work. Kageyama walked to where they were and cleared her throat to get the TA’s attention. 

He glanced up, “If you don’t need any assistance, put your work in the blue folder and grab the study guide for the midterm exam. A lot of the material from this problem set will be on the exam, so if you have any questions you should ask today.”

“I don’t need anything,” she said flatly, turning to do as instructed. A few of the other students looked at her with curiosity, as if they couldn’t believe she didn’t need the extra help. 

Ignoring them, she left the room, stuffing the study guide into her backpack. She felt relieved that she didn’t have to stay and get work with the TA or her classmates.

She took the closest set of stairs and wandered back to the Bean, the smell of fresh coffee mingling with the crisp vanilla of old books. The blinds covering the cafe side of the glass door were open, which gave her pause.

The cafe was almost as packed as the library was, but there was no line at the counter. Even through the blinds, Hinata’s vibrant hair drew Kageyama’s eye to her. She was leaning on the counter, her head tilted as she spoke to someone on the other side. It took her a second, but Kageyama registered the lithe form and pale yellow hair that could only belong to Kenma.

She dropped her hand from where it had been on the door handle, then turned and left the library. Walking quickly until she pushed through the wide entrance doors, she then sprinted the rest of the way. When she arrived, she slammed the door behind her and kicked off her shoes, so that she could collapse on her bed. 

Breathless and locked in a private bubble, she brought up Suga’s message in an attempt to find an outlet for whatever swirling mess of feelings had risen to her chest. Seeing the two of them, their heads bent together in private conversation, had summoned a deeply bitter and unfamiliar feeling. It was like jealousy, but colored with humiliation.

_ Went to see her at work to let her know I was ok. Kenma was there, so I left without going in. _

The words glowed on her screen, begging to be sent, but she erased them all and started over.

_ Chickened out. _

This, she sent without thinking, feeling instantly miserable as soon as the message went through.

Suga’s reply was just as quick,  _ Did something happen? I’m in the lab tomorrow if you want to come by to talk. _

_ Nothing happened. _

_ Kenma was visiting her at work, I don’t think I can do this. _

Suga replied with a heartfelt emoji and said,  _ We have family dinner on Tuesdays. Come after practice. _

Kageyama dropped her phone on the floor, and it clattered away. Her ears rang, and she decided that she couldn’t stay in bed, so she got up and began to change into her running clothes. She went to the bathroom to fix her hair, but ended up staring at her reflection instead. She took in her appearance, comparing herself to Kenma, Suga, and Haru. She had never given her looks or her style much thought, but each of the others had their own distinct and trendy aesthetic.  _ Even Hinata has days where she doesn’t look like a middle schooler _ , she thought, running her fingers through her hair, which was a length she found to be the most practical.

She felt her gut stir with anxiety, and distracted herself by tying it up in a high ponytail, which she immediately took down and traded for her typical braid. Without letting herself give it much more though, she went back to her room. Then, after grabbing her windbreaker, phone, and headphones, she headed out the door.

She slipped her headphones into her ears and jogged down the stairs as she thumbed through her music options. None of them were appealing, and she flicked through several playlists, distracted by her twisting mood. She was at the bottom, considering a particular artist, when she crashed into someone, which knocked them both to the ground.

“Kageyama!” Hinata was scrambling to her feet, holding the strap of her bag close to her chest. Her shoulders were pushed back, her mouth in a wavering line, as if she had something serious to say.

Kageyama stared at her, then looked down at her phone, “It’s not four,” she said, still sitting on the concrete.

“I know! I was worried about you so I left early,” Hinata held her hand out to Kageyama to help pull her to her feet. Her other hand stayed tight on the strap.

Ignoring it, Kageyama slowly got to her feet, “I’m going on a run.”

“I have eyes,” her tone was light and she asked, “Do you have to leave right now? I wanted to talk to you. Where did you go last night?”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she blurted, unable to keep the words from spilling out of her mouth. Feeling heat on her cheeks, she ducked her head, hiding the blush behind the act of putting her earbuds back into place.

“Wha-?” Hinata’s brows shot up, her eyes going wide with surprise, “Why? Did I do something?”

“No,” Kageyama turned and started to jog down the sidewalk, “I’ll be back later.”

“ _ What?” _ Hinata dropped her hand from the strap of her messenger bag and zipped her phone into the front pocket, then took off at a full sprint towards Kageyama. “No, you don’t,” she yelled.

Kageyama glanced over her shoulder, catching a streak of color barrelling towards her. Her heart skipped a beat and she began to run, speeding up until she was tearing down the sidewalk. One of hear earbuds fell out of her ear and she ignored it, her phone in one hand as the cord bounced with every step.

“Slow  _ down!” _ Hinata yelled, then crashed into her, sending them both sprawling into the grass. She was breathing heavy, and her cheeks were red and splotchy with exertion. 

Kageyama began clamber to her feet, moving on pure instinct, but Hinata snagged her by her windbreaker and tackled her to the ground. 

“ _ What _ is your problem!” Kageyama yelled, shaking herself loose. She saw a few people walking towards them and turned to yank Hinata’s hand off of her jacket.

“ _ My _ problem? What the  _ hell? _ ” Hinata grabbed with her other hand, taking two fistfulls of the slippery material in the center of Kageyama’s back and pitched backwards with all of her weight. As they toppled backwards Hinata locked her legs around one of Kageyama’s and pulled her into a snug headlock.

“Get off,” she hissed, her hair was falling loose and into her face. The collar of her windbreaker was tight against her throat, and her other earbud had been yanked away.

“Not until you tell me what’s up with you!” Hinata’s voice was loud and demanding in her ear.

“I  _ said  _ I don’t want to talk to you!” she locked her hands around Hinata’s wrist and pulled, but the grip only tightened in response.

“Not this time. You have been acting weird for  _ weeks _ , and I’ve been trying to give you space but obviously that’s not working!” Hinata dug her chin into the top of Kageyama’s head as she resisted, making her yelp.

Kageyama saw people coming closer and relented, giving up and sagging into Hinata’s grip, “Fine, let me go. Someone is going to see us.”

“I don’t care. You’re not getting out of this until you tell me. Where did you go last night? What is going on with you?”

“I went to Suga’s.”

“What?” Hinata’s grip loosened in surprise, but Kageyama made no move to get free. “Why? You left at like, three in the morning.”

“How did you even know?” Kageyama snapped, tightening her grip on Hinata’s wrist. “I told you I went to bed!”

“Yeah, and I could tell that something was bugging you so when I got out of the bathroom I knocked on your door to see if you wanted to talk, or something,” the anger had drained from Hinata’s voice. There was a peculiar exhaustion coloring her tone that Kageyama couldn’t place. “I knew you weren’t asleep because it had only been like, four minutes. So I opened your door, and you weren’t there. You were  _ gone _ , but your keys were still on the table. I thought you had gone to get some fresh air or something weird, so I waited, but you didn’t come back.”

Kageyama’s breathing started to go back to normal as she listened, despite the discomfort of being in a headlock in public, as people passed them, staring.

“So I called you and I didn’t hear back from you for like  _ ten hours. _ What the hell?”

Kageyama looked up, avoiding eye contact with people on the sidewalk. She felt Hinata’s lumpy messenger bag crushed between them. “Sorry.”

“I don’t care if you’re sorry.”

Kageyama closed her eyes and sighed. She leaned forward and Hinata’s arms fell away. She sat upright and turned to face her. 

Hinata’s face was red, her hair and clothes disheveled from their tussle. They hadn’t fought this way since their second year, when Kageyama had gotten too mean with her insults while Hinata was having a bad volleyball day. “Just tell me what’s up with you.”

Kageyama shrugged and looked away, then said petulantly, “What do you care? You haven’t even been around,” it wasn’t what she wanted to say, or what she told Suga she would talk about, but it’s what came out.

Instead of getting angry at the accusation, Hinata drew her knees to her chest, falling into herself, “I know. I thought you might want space, after day in the library basement, but I realize now it wasn’t the right thing to do.”

She stared at her. Her face was flooded with guilt, her voice rich with contrition. Kageyama wanted to pull the words back from where they hung in the air and shove them back to her brain, where they belonged. “Oh.”

Irritation flickered over her face, “Yeah, oh,” then she sighed and dropped her hands, relaxing into a cross legged position. “But why go to Suga’s? If you were feeling anxious, I—” she cut herself short, shaking her head. “I just want you to know that you can lean on me. We’ve been friends for a long time, Kageyama. You can trust me.”

“I know.”

Woundedness replaced her previous irritation, and she stood up, turning away to hide her expression. “You should go on your run.”

Kageyama stayed in the grass, absently pulling blades from the dirt. “Hinata—”

She turned back to Kageyama at the sound of her name, an unreadable expression clouding her features. She looked down to her, waiting.

“I’m sorry I ran off. Last night and now, I—” she let out a stream of air, “I am dealing with a lot, and most of it doesn’t have anything to do with how often you’ve been around,” she looked away, unable to meet Hinata’s intense gaze, “I’ll tell you all about, I promise. Just, not right now.”

“When?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you going to disappear again?” There was another question coded beneath the first, but Kageyama couldn’t tease its meaning from what she had said aloud.

“I don’t think so,” she said, thinking,  _ Not now. Not after seeing how much it bothered you.  _ For a moment, she tried to put herself in Hinata’s shoes, imagining what it would be like for her to vanish from their apartment in the middle of the night without a word. The thought sent her reeling, and the acrid flavor of guilt filled her mouth. “No, I won’t.”

Hinata nodded, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Okay.”

Kageyama got to her feet, watching Hinata. The lines of her shoulders were still stiff and rigid, but Kageyama couldn’t bring herself to tell her everything yet. She couldn’t say,  _ I’m gay and anxious as fuck and I’m drowning in work and I’ve been in love with you for years. _

“Do you want to have dinner tonight?” 

Kageyama blinked, and quickly grasped the peace offering when she recognized it, “Yes.”

“I’ll make spicy curry,” she tilted her head back to look at Kageyama over her shoulder. Her smile was thin, but genuine. 

“That sounds—” she exhaled, Hinata’s spicy curry was one of her favorite meals, which was common knowledge, “That sounds great.”

Hinata gave her another fleeting smile, “I’ll see you at home.”

“See you at home.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mixing it up by writing from Hinata's point of view for a minute.

Hinata’s phone chimed from her pocket, and she fished it out, bumping her elbow on the armrest of her chair in the process. The knock made her entire arm tingle, and she grumbled with irritation, which faded as soon as she saw Suga’s name in her notifications. She tapped the icon for the message: 

_ Is she still in her appointment? _

After reading it, she lowered her phone to her lap and glanced around. She was sitting in the lobby for the counselling office at the campus health clinic, where she had been for the better part of the last hour.

_ Yeah, should be done soon tho _ , she replied.  _ Then lunch!!! _

She slid her phone back into her pocket then tilted her head back against the wall. She let her eyes wander, taking in the matching furniture and stacks of magazines while politely avoiding eye contact with the other people waiting. Once Kageyama was done with her appointment, they were going to Suga’s for lunch. From there, they needed to go straight to the gym to warm up for their first official volleyball match of the season. 

It was a busier than their usual Saturdays, but after their fight Kageyama had asked her to sit down and make a counselling appointment for after midterms. This was the earliest available time slot, and the few hours between that and the game were the only time she, Suga, and Kageyama were all free.

She hadn’t had a chance to spend time with Suga yet, she had bumped into her by chance when she was turning in an assignment, so she had pushed for today’s lunch. With a sigh, she pulled her phone back out of her pocket and turned her it over in her hands, then tapped it against her thigh, then started to tap her foot, all before checking the time. 

A minute had passed since she had replied to Suga’s message, and she was starting to feel restless and fidgety. Hinata scrolled through her messages, checking the timestamp on the last message she had sent Kenma, which was an invitation to the game. She was surprised that Kenma hadn’t responded, they usually at least send a one-word answer or an emoji in response.

Feeling particularly bored, she turned to her campus email account. There were several new messages sitting in her inbox, and she grinned when she saw the subject line of the most recent arrival. It was from the team captain, and included directions to an after-match party. Excitement thrummed in her chest, and she fought the urge to jump out of her chair. 

The last two weeks had been crammed to the brim with study sessions, extra practices, and exams, and Hinata was looking forward to the chance unwind. Since they shared a lot of the same classes, Hinata had been doing most of her studying with Kageyama. They’d spent hundreds of hours cramming together in high school, and had learned how to get things done. When Hinata studied with her other classmates, she got too distracted by the social side of things to accomplish anything.  _ Good thing Kageyama is the least social human on the planet _ , she thought, snickering to herself.  _ Otherwise I would definitely flunk out. _

Another message from Suga popped up over the email with the party information, and she opened it.  _ Excited to finally see you, Hinata! I got pork buns. _

She felt like she was going to vibrate out of her chair from the anticipation, but a cool voice brought her back down to earth. “You didn’t have to wait this whole time, dumbass.”

Hinata took in Kageyama’s appearance, noting the downturn of her mouth. There was a relaxed set to it, so she said, “Hey, frowny-yama, how did it go?”

Kageyama gave her a considering look before leading the way towards the door, “It was fine.” Hinata’s playful insult had rolled right off of her, which she took as a good sign.

Hinata waited until they were out of the building before asking, “Was your lady nice? Were you able to talk to her about what’s been bothering you? What did she say about the anxiety stuff?”

“Slow down, idiot, I can’t answer your questions if you keep asking them.”

“I just want to  _ know _ ,” she said, drawing the last syllable into a long whine.

Kageyama’s brow quirked, which was usually a sign that she was both amused and annoyed, which Hinata could never quite understand.

“The counselor was nice. Mostly we talked about my coursework, and she said that the transition from high school to college is probably contributing a lot to my anxiety. She also said I should take a lighter workload next semester,” she slipped her hands into the pocket of her hoodie and drew her shoulders inwards without saying anything more.

They were walking towards the north end of campus, and Hinata said, “That’s good to know, right?”

“I guess, it doesn’t help me much now.”

“Did she tell you to do the thing I told you about? With your senses?”

Kageyama glanced down to Hinata, then walked a little closer to steer her around the corner. “I told her about it, she said that it was a good idea and that I should keep using it if it works.”

Feeling smug, she asked if Kageyama would go back.

She looked ahead, rolling the question around in her head for a moment before saying, “I think so. There’s still a lot I need to figure out.”

Hinata wanted  _ so _ badly to ask about all the other things Kageyama was working on besides her schoolwork. After spending entire years with her ill-tempered friend, Hinata could sense it lurking under her pinch-faced exterior. It was nebulous and wide, occasionally spilling into their practices in the form of slower laps and frequently showing up everywhere else as an intense distraction. This was the first time Kageyama had brought up  _ everything else _ since their fight, and Hinata had to bite her tongue to keep from asking about it.  _ I just have to trust that Kageyama will tell me in her own time,  _ she told herself, then,  __ “I’m glad that you’re going to go back,” she looked up at Kageyama and smiled, genuinely pleased, “It’s good to have a stranger to confide in sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Kageyama glanced down, her dark blue eyes obscured in part by her bangs. She lifted her gaze back to the path ahead of her, “Thanks for making the appointment, and for coming with.”

“Of course!” she said, grinning, satisfaction coloring her voice.

“But it was really dumb of you to stay the entire hour—”

Hinata rolled her eyes and reached out to smack Kageyama in the arm, “Okay,  _ Bakageyama _ ,” she let the syllables roll off of her tongue with a healthy dose of sarcasm, “What was I supposed to do for an hour? If I had gone home, I would have had to turn around to come back after being there for like, five minutes.”

“Oh, please,” she guided them around another corner, then said, “Okay, the blue one is Suga’s house.”

Hinata gasped, “Wha—! Suga lives  _ here? _ ” The house itself sat in the middle of the row, hugged on each side by colorful homes. It had navy slats and cream-colored Victorian mouldings, accented with cornflower blue, decorating the exterior. A cobbled walkway lead to the front steps and porch, and cut through a messy but well-loved garden. Hinata couldn’t take her eyes from it, the house was quirky and inviting, and so very  _ Suga. _ Their apartment, by comparison, lacked character and style.

When she finally drew her eyes away from the house, she found Kageyama intently  watching her. She met her gaze steadily, and Kageyama asked, “Are you going to go in, or just look at it?”

“Oh! Let’s go in, I bet the inside is cool, too.”

Kageyama nodded and she lead the way to the door and knocked once before opening it, calling out “Hello?” as she stepped inside.

Hinata felt a flicker of curiosity at the familiarity behind Kageyama’s entrance. She knew that Kageyama had been here before, but hadn’t expected her to just let herself into the house.

“Oh, Kageyama, how are you?” 

Hinata heard the voice, but couldn’t see its owner until she stepped inside, blocked by Kageyama’s shoulder. He was tall, and had been walking towards the door when they arrived.

“I’m good, Takano,” Kageyama gestured from him to Hinata, “Shouyou Hinata, Ryota Takano.”

“N-nice to meet you!” she said, hoping her voice didn’t betray her intimidation. By Hinata’s standards, he was  _ huge _ . 

He smiled easily, then took a step forward and extended a hand to her, “Hinata, nice to meet you too.”

“Ah,” she reached out and shook his hand, the callouses of her palms sliding against his smooth ones. His grip was firm, but measured.

“Suga’s in the kitchen with Haru and Aoki,” he said to both of them, dropping his hands to the side. “I’ll be heading out soon to be meeting my research adviser, but enjoy your lunch.”

“Thanks,” Kageyama responded, taking a step away, “Good luck with your research.”

He smiled again, this time letting it spread across his features, “Thank you. Good luck with your game later!”

In awe of their friendliness, Hinata mutely nodded, then followed Kageyama down the hall and to the kitchen. The smell of meat buns drifted to them, and her mouth began to water. When they came into the kitchen, Suga was at the stove, talking to two people sitting at the bar on the other side of the counter.

“Hi, everyone,” Kageyama said as she breezed into the kitchen.

“Oh! Hinata, Kageyama! Hi!” Suga caught sight of them and bounded over, pulling them each into a crushing hug before pulling them farther in to sit. “Kageyama, you remember Haru and Aoki, right?” when she nodded, Suga went on to introduce the two to Hinata, “These are some of my other roommates!”

“Hi, Hinata! I’m Haru, Suga has told us a lot about your high school volleyball days.”

“Oh, nice to meet you!” she said, trying to keep up with names while also trying to wrap her head around how comfortable and talkative Kageyama was around these people.

The other girl, Aoki, waved in greeting, and said, “Nice to meet you, Hinata.”

Hinata turned to wave back, and was struck immediately by Aoki's prettiness. Her face was round, with wide eyes and full lips, framed by shoulder length hair done in in a messy bob. Her makeup was subtle, but accentuated her expressive eyes and pouty lips. She stammered out a greeting, which made Aoki smile. 

The pair pushed their chairs back and stood, and Haru explained, “We already ate lunch, so take our seats and enjoy!”

“T-thank you,” Hinata said, following Kageyama to sit. The other two slipped out, chatting as they moved down the hall.

“Welcome!” Suga said again, holding her arms out to present them with the kitchen, “The stir fry is almost done, but—” she turned to the stove and picked up a plate, setting it in front of them, “I also picked up some meat buns from the store down the road. I know you have your first game today so don’t be shy!”

Kageyama was midway through chewing a huge bite before Suga had even finished her sentence, and Hinata followed suit. Hinata snuck a glance at her as she took another from the plate, then to Suga, who had caught her watching Kageyama. She felt something like embarrassment come to her cheeks, and ducked her head to take another bite. 

“Pretty good, right?” she asked, gesturing to the buns.

Hinata and Kageyama nodded, their mouths full. 

“Oh, before I forget!” Suga turned and reached into the fridge, pulling out two cartons and setting them in front of them. “Peach tea for Hinata, and vanilla flavored milk for Kageyama.”

“You remembered!” Hinata said, brimming with pleasure as she pulled the straw from the back of her carton.

Suga laughed, “Actually, I had to ask Kageyama, but I did remember that you like the fruitier stuff.”

Hinata slyly glanced  between the two of them, still unable to comprehend Kageyama’s easy rapport with Suga and the rest of her roommates.  _ Have they been hanging out outside of office hours? _ She wondered, trying to remember how often Kageyama had mentioned seeing their old classmate in the last few weeks.  _ Maybe she had been here before the night Kenma came over? She’s only mentioned seeing Suga once since then.  _ She sighed into her drink, taking a long pull from the carton.

“How are you two feeling about your game today? Are you both starting?”

“Yeah!” Hinata craned forward in her seat, ready to talk volleyball, “We’re both starting  _ and _ there’s a party later!”

“There is?” Kageyama asked, almost choking on a bite of her food in the process.

Suga turned back to the stove to finish cooking, a bemused look on her face.

“Yes! We got an email about it while you were in your appointment, we should go!”

“No.”

“ _ Kageyama _ , come on!”

“No, I don’t like parties.”

“You’ve only been to one!”

“And I didn’t like it.”

Hinata made an exasperated noise and swiped another meat bun off the plate, “Suga, help me out.”

“Where’s the party?”

“Pretty close to campus, I think,” Hinata said, “I recognized the street name.”

Suga shrugged, serving three plates as she said, “Can’t hurt, then. You could always leave if you don’t like it, but you  _ know, _ it is important to bond with the team.” She set the plates in front of them with utensils, then came around the counter to sit on the other side of Kageyama. 

Kageyama had watched her come around the counter, a look of discomfort on her face, which faded when Suga patted her forearm reassuringly. Hinata watched the two of them, feeling frustrated that she couldn’t pinpoint or describe what she was observing. 

“Fine,” she relented, her voice strained, and Hinata almost knocked over her chair when she lept up. 

“Yes! That’s great!”

“But I’m only staying for fifteen minutes if I don’t like it.”

Hinata saw Suga nod approvingly before patting her on the shoulder, “Good enough for now.”

 

“Hinata, there’s no way I’m wearing this.”

She eyed Kageyama up and down, watching as she turned uncomfortably in front of the mirror. It was well past dinner, they had won their match (29-27, 23-25, and 25-19), and were showered and getting ready for the party. Hinata had dug up a blue and green flannel from Kageyama’s closet and made her try on one of her own ribbed tank tops. “Why not?”

There was a strained look on her face, and she said, “Hinata, your shirt is tiny. It barely covers my stomach. I’m not going out with this on.”

Hinata frowned, “It’s flattering!” The tank hugged her ribs and was scooped low on her chest, and rode up to expose a thin band of  her toned midriff when she moved. “And you’re like, a mega-athlete. You’re pulling it off.”

Kageyama turned to look at herself in Hinata’s full length mirror again, then sighed, “I’ll wear the shirt, but I’m not wearing leggings.”

Groaning, Hinata flopped back onto her bed, “Why? They’re just like running pants! Plus if you’re that worried about your belly showing the leggings will help more than jeans would.”

She sent a dark look over her shoulder and said, “Non-negotiable, dumbass. I’m already wearing the shirt and coming to this dumb party. I’m also buttoning up the flannel.”

Hinata flopped over and grabbed a pillow from the floor, then launched it at the back of Kageyama’s head, “You’re being so  _ difficult _ !”

The pillow connected squarely, and she stumbled forward, yelping in surprise. When she recovered, she roared, “God _ dammit _ , Hinata!” and swiped it from the ground to hurl it back at her.

She was expecting the retaliation, and grabbed another from where it was wedged between the wall and her bed and held it up like a shield. The pillow bounced harmlessly to the ground and Kageyama turned and stomped out of Hinata’s room, calling her names the whole way back to her own.

Hinata jumped up and checked her own appearance in the mirror. She was wearing jeggings, because they were flexible and easy to jump in, more so than jeans but less than normal leggings, and the green knit sweater she had stolen from Kageyama at the beginning of the semester. It was wide and cozy, and big enough to cover her. The green balanced the shock of her hair, which she had let air dry into its natural, wild curl.

“I’m ready,” Kageyama announced, “Let’s get this over with.”

“Yes! Okay, let’s go,” Hinata replied, bouncing from her room to the entryway. “I don’t want to bring my keys or anything, so can we leave it unlocked?”

“What about your phone, dumbass?” Kageyama was close behind. She had traded the leggings for black jeans and buttoned the bottom few buttons on the flannel, leaving the top open. She was also wearing a slouchy grey beanie over her hair, which she wore down.

“Ah! “ Hinata’s eyes widened, “Kageyama, you actually look kind of cool!”

Kageyama scowled and looked away, and Hinata snickered at her embarrassment. “We can leave it unlocked but you need your phone.”

“Oh! Yeah, these have pockets, so it’ll be fine.”

“Good,” she said, shrugging into her plain black bomber jacket. “Don’t forget a coat, otherwise you’ll freeze.”

“Right!” Hinata grabbed her hooded fall jacket from its hook by the door and crammed her feet into a pair of grey ankle-height boots. She stood waited for Kageyama, rocking on the balls of her feet while she slid her feet into a pair of black slip on boots. “Okay! Good! Let’s go!” she said, she reached out and grabbed Kageyama’s wrist. With the other hand, she flung open the door and yanked Kageyama through it with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wouldn't be a college au without a party...


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a bunch of edits after posting this... sorry for the inconsistency. I just got carried away.

Upbeat music greeted them when they arrived at the door, out of breath because Hinata had insisted on sprinting the entire way. They shared a look, Kageyama’s colored with apprehension, but Hinata overflowing with excitement, and then stepped inside. They followed the music down the main entry hall and arrived at the livingroom, where members of the team were spread out on couches and chairs, talking and laughing. The lighting was dim and intimate, provided mostly by decorative holiday lights crisscrossing the ceiling. They glowed in different colors, rotating between blues, purples, and reds. 

Nara, the team captain, caught sight of them and waved, “Hey! Kageyama, Hinata, come in! You can set your coats down in the bedroom over by the bathroom,” she stood from where she was sitting next to Kiko, the ace. “Here, I’ll show you.”

“Thanks!” Hinata said brightly, shrugging out of her jacket as they turned to follow Nara back down the hall.

“You two did great today!” she said, beaming, “It’s obvious to everyone that you’ve been playing together for a long time. We’re really lucky to have you.”

Kageyama nodded mutely, looking away as if embarrassed, and Hinata gestured excitedly, “Yeah! We’re really excited to be here. Today’s match was awesome!” They tossed their coats onto the growing pile on the bed.

Nara laughed and nodded, then began to lead the way back to the party, saying, “Yeah! It was a good one. The first set was especially challenging, but the other team had  _ no _ stamina, so we took care of them pretty good, right, Kageyama?”

She nodded once, stiffly, then said, “If they spent less energy on showy plays they might have stood a chance.”

“Ha! You don’t mince words, do you?”

“When it comes to volleyball, Kageyama is difficult to impress,” Hinata supplied.

“Well, hopefully our drink selection will be up to snuff,” she said with a wink. When they went into the living room, and she announced, “Hey everyone, Kageyama and Hinata made it!”

Most of the girls from the team, and a couple of people Hinata didn’t recognize, were in the room, and they all shouted at Nara’s introduction. A few girls raised their drinks or clapped, and someone shouted, “Way to give ‘em hell!” and Hinata turned bright red, basking in the attention.

Nara started laughing again, and then gestured to the kitchen, “So, I’m not much of a drinker, but you two should help yourselves. Ruri made some punch, but heads up, she usually makes it pretty strong.”

Hinata’s eyes went wide at the selection of bottles lining the narrow kitchen counter, “ _ Wow _ , _ ” _ she said. 

“Ohh, you’re impressed, at least,” Nara said lightheartedly, “But it looks like next time we’ll have to try harder for Kageyama,” she gestured back towards the living room, “There are snacks, too. And let me know if you need anything!”

“Thanks, Nara-san!”

“Sure thing!” she smiled warmly at the two of them, then returned to the living room to socialize.

Hinata walked to the counter and clapped her hands together, “What should we have?”

Kageyama wrinkled her nose, “Definitely not the punch, if Ruri made it,” she said. Even without Nara’s warning, she would have been wary. Ruri, a wing spiker, was notorious for her partying. 

“Yeah, I was thinking that too,” Hinata said, lifting a few bottles to look at the labels. Kageyama joined her, standing close so that she could read over her shoulder. “Ohh, grapefruit soda,” she lifted a bottle to show Kageyama, “I wonder what goes good with that.”

Kageyama glanced over the options, “Maybe rum or tequila? I have no idea.”

“Let’s try it!” she said excitedly, exchanging the bottle for a couple of plastic cups. Kageyama watched as she measured a shot of tequila into one and a shot of rum into the other before filling them the rest of the way with the soda. She handed one to Kageyama and said, “Cheers,” grinning as she tapped their cups together.

Kageyama swirled her cup and took an experimental sip as Hinata did the same. It let a bitter taste in the back of her throat, which she did not enjoy. Seeing the expectant look on her face, Kageyama wordlessly exchanged their cups and tried Hinata’s, which she found considerably better. “Which one is this?”

“The tequila, I think. Do you like that one more?” Hinata turned her cup in her hands and glanced back at the counter contemplatively.

“Yeah.”

“Keep it, I’m going to make this one a little stronger.”

“Don’t get too wild,” Kageyama warned, “I’m not taking care of you if you puke.”

Hinata rolled her eyes as she carefully measured out half a shot to add to her drink, “Thanks  _ captain _ ,” she said, reverting to the sarcastic insult they had used as third years.

It landed without much impact, but Kageyama reached out and pushed on her head in response anyway. Hinata swatted her arm out of reflex, then led their way back into the living room. 

“Kageyama!” Kiko, the ace, reached out and tapped her as she passed, “Hey, you did a really great job today! The tosses you sent me in the last set felt really good to hit!” 

She paused, turning to Kiko to chat, “I’m glad, is there anything you’d want me to change?”

Hinata rolled her eyes, drifting through the room to see who else was there before sitting in an open seat next to Ruri and Sumiye, the librero. They introduced her to a couple of their friends, who had been at their game. She sat with them for a while, occasionally glancing up to Kageyama, who was deep in conversation with Kiko and a couple others. When she had finished her drink, she stood to make another, gesturing questioningly to Kageyama as she passed, who nodded wordlessly.

Hinata snagged her cup as she passed through to the kitchen and fixed them fresh drinks. She made Kageyama’s the same and her own stronger than the first. As she was to grabbing them from the counter, there was a burst of noise from the hallway. She left the kitchen and handed the weaker drink to Kageyama, then turned to look for the source of the commotion. The men’s volleyball team had arrived as a pack, bringing with them a burst of cool air and a surge of energy and noise. 

Kageyama took the cup from Hinata with a grateful nod, then shook her head at the arrivals. Hinata glanced up to read her expression, hoping she wasn’t considering leaving, but she had already been pulled back into the conversation. Hinata stayed next to her, half listening as she watched people filter through the door. She recognized a few of them from the around the gym, but didn’t know any of them by name. They flooded the kitchen and the living room, and someone turned the music up.

The room seemed to grow dimmer with the influx of people, and the volume of the music made it difficult to hear. A few people started dancing in the center of the room, and Hinata saw Kageyama lazily mix her drink from the corner of her eye. She was bent close, listening to Kiko, who was talking animatedly. She couldn’t hear what they were saying over the growing din of the party.

Hinata took a long drink, unwilling to set her cup down to dance, but eager to start moving. One of Ruri’s friends waved her back over to sit with them, so she navigated around the edge of the room to plop down on the couch. Sumiye had started talking about the audience that had come to cheer on their opponents, and according to Ruri’s friend, that school was well known for having a handsome male population. 

For a little while, Hinata was content to sip her drink and talk, laughing whenever Ruri would try to convince Sumiye get her some snacks or make her a drink. The dry-humored librero was having none of it, and would make a big show of calling her out on her behavior, occasionally drawing Hinata in as back up.

Towards the bottom of her second drink, Hinata glanced up again, checking in on Kageyama. The room was crowded, with more people arriving as time went on, but she could see Kageyama in conversation with one of the members of the men’s team. She was leaning against the wall, her head tilted towards him, absently sipping her drink as he bent close to talk to her. Hinata took a moment to study her expression. Her lips were turned down in her most neutral frown, but she was looking off to the side, seemingly bored. Hinata was surprised she hadn’t scared him away yet.  _ He must be talking about the game, or setting _ , she thought, watching them.

The music, combined with the increasingly loud voices of everyone in the room was beginning to make normal conversation impossible. To hear the people around her, Hinata had begun to lean way in or have them speak directly by her ear. The guy Kageyama was talking to had chosen the latter option to keep their conversation going, she noticed.

Hinata glanced down at her cup, then at the growing group of people dancing. She downed the last of her drink in a gulp and jumped up, skirting around everyone to get to Kageyama. She had made her second drink considerably stronger than the first, and the cheap alcohol left a burning in her nose. She set her empty cup on the table and took Kageyama by the wrist, “Dance with me!”

A pained expression passed over her face, mirrored by the look of inconvenience Hinata received from the guy she had interrupted. Ignoring him, she pulled Kageyama onto the dancefloor.

“Dumbass— my drink—”

Hinata leaned close, “Finish it!”

“I can’t!” she hissed, pulling away in an attempt to make her way back to the wall.

“Here,” Hinata pulled them out of the way, “Drink half, I’ll finish it.”

For a moment, she thought Kageyama was going to refuse, but she tilted the cup to her lips and took a long, determined drink. She passed the cup to Hinata, coughing from the effort. She had left almost two thirds behind, and Hinata shook her head before downing the rest.

She set the cup aside, by a chair, figuring she could pick it up and throw it away later. She began to feel the effects of the third drink, which had followed her second without a pause, as a warmth spreading through her limbs. She was starting to feel a little tipsy, and she grinned at Kageyama before grabbing her hand and hauling her into the crowd. Kageyama followed stiffly, letting herself be dragged towards the center of the clump of people dancing.

At first, Hinata made a point of being silly. She took Kageyama by the hands and pulled her close before pushing her away and spinning her around a few times. Each time she was sent away, she stumbled back to Hinata clumsily, her face red. Hinata guided her back to finding her feet and danced around her, pulling her along whenever she started to stiffen up again. Kageyama started to fall into it, moving with the beat while keeping a hand on Hinata’s arm as the floor started getting fuller. The contact kept them in proximity to each other, which in turn served to keep Kageyama dancing.

As people pressed in to join, their space to dance grew smaller, pushing them closer. 

Soon there was hardly room to step to the side, and Hinata felt herself being pressed into Kageyama. She glanced up at her, gauging her expression. She seemed conflicted, as if she wanted to leave but was tempted to stay. Her moved had become more awkward again as she tried to avoid bumping into the people around her.

Hinata reached out again and took her hands, drawing her in until their bodies were in line. She wanted to sway her opinion so that she would stay. Hinata stepped between Kageyama’s feet, planting her own on either side of Kageyama’s. When they moved, Hinata could feel Kageyama’s thigh against her own. She looked up, and Hinata could see the bright pink scattering of a blush across Kageyama’s cheekbones despite the lighting. She didn’t pull away, though, instead complying by placing her hands on Hinata’s shoulders and moving in time with her. 

Pleased, Hinata moved them with the beat, linking her hands behind Kageyama’s back, enjoying the way the room grew warm as the dancing continued. The music was blasting now, drowning out the possibility of conversation. Someone had traded out the pop playlist for something with a heavier, more repetitive beat. Hinata felt someone bump into her from behind, and she pressed herself closer, letting herself get wrapped up in the music, the steady buzz of alcohol running through her body, and the extra contact from Kageyama. Their hips lined up, and they kept dancing, their movements limited by the pressure of the dancers around them.

Hinata lifted her head, catching the tail end of a look she hadn’t seen on Kageyama’s face before, which vanished out of focus when she dropped her head to Hinata’s. She rested her forehead against Hinata’s, and she could feel the warmth of Kageyama’s breath on her lips.

In an automatic response, she tilted her head, lining up their noses and closing her eyes as Kageyama trailed one hand across her shoulder and down her arm. She moved her own hands to Kageyama’s hips, leaning back as Kageyama arched over her, their foreheads still touching. Her hair ticked Hinata’s cheek, and she sighed, letting her fingers glance along Kageyama’s side as she moved one hand to hold her cheek, keeping them steady together.

The song changed, and they fell into a new rhythm. 

With the shift in movement, Kageyama’s flannel bunched up around Hinata’s wrist, and her fingertips were rewarded with the cool, soft contact of Kageyama’s bare skin.

As if burned, Kageyama jumped back, all but crashing into the person behind her as she severed every point of contact connecting her to Hinata. Her eyebrows were turned upwards, her mouth in a thin line, and her eyes were wide with surprise. 

“O-oh—” Hinata started to apologize, her hands hanging in the air, but the music swallowed her voice in the beat that Kageyama stayed in front of her.

The next moment, Kageyama was slipping away, making her way down the hall to where she left her coat.

When she disappeared from sight, Hinata snapped forward shoving past people to follow her. She found Kageyama digging through the stack of jackets to find her own. Her face was red, her expression fully pained, and she kept her eyes trained on her task. She dumped several jackets to the ground before unearthing her own.

“H-hey,” Hinata started awkwardly, reaching out, but thinking better of it. She balled up her hands and put them behind her back, “Um, sorry, I didn’t mean—” the music muffled her words, and she searched Kageyama’s face for an explanation. 

Kageyama pulled her hat lower onto her head and hid her face behind her hair as she passed, “I’ll see you at home,” she said, her voice low and strangled. 

“Wait,” Hinata grabbed her jacket, kicked up from Kageyama’s searching, and turned towards her, “Kageyama?”

Without pausing, Kageyama slipped out of the room, zipping her jacket as she went.

Hinata tripped on her way out, stumbling as she stuffed her arms into her coat. She caught up with Kageyama outside, on the sidewalk. She was walking quickly, her head low.

“Are you okay?” Hinata reached out and snagged the sleeve of Kageyama’s coat.

She yanked her arm free and spun around, and the expression she wore made Hinata pause. “I’m fine,” she hissed, “I said I’d see you at home.” Her voice, sharp, didn’t match the wounded set of her features.

_ We were just dancing _ , she thought, and she rooted to the spot, confusion flooding her. “Kageyama what is  _ with _ you?”

Her voice, rich with bewilderment, turned Kageyama around to look at her. Hinata stood on the sidewalk. The sleeves of her sweater were poking past the sleeves of her unzipped coat from having put it on so quickly. Those sleeves held Kageyama’s attention, because it was typical,  _ She’s always rushing to meet me wherever I am.  _ Her chest tightened, and she thought back to what her counsellor had said at her appointment earlier that same day.  _ There’s never going to be a good moment, and there’s no such thing as perfect timing _ . 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to exert some semblance of control over the words threatening to spill out over her lips and into the mild evening air. “Hinata—” she started to speak but her throat grew thick with effort, “I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cackles queerly*


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff, finally.

Hinata stood and looked at her, slowly taking in her words. Kageyama waited with her breath stuck in her throat and her hands balled in her pockets. She tucked her chin into her collar, despite not being cold.

Hinata ran a hand through her hair, lifting it and letting it fall down her neck. She blinked and started to say, “Are—” she looked away, then back, her voice trembling, “A-are you and Suga dating?”

Her breath came unlodged in her throat, started by the unexpected question. “What?”

She watched as Hinata rubbed at the cuffs of her—Kageyama’s— sweater between her fingers. She tugged the sleeves of her jacket down to cover the exposed knit material and cleared her throat, “I overheard Daichi telling someone that Suga had confessed to her. Are you two, ah, dating?”

The fact that  _ Daichi _ had been the person that one of Suga’s confessions begged for attention, but Kageyama shoved it aside. “W-what? No, we’re not dating,” puzzled, she took a step forward. “Why would you think that?”

Hinata threw her hands up in a helpless gesture, “I don’t know,” her voice was unsteady, “You seem really close, and you went to see her when you were upset.”

Kageyama blew air through her lips, her brain working overtime.  _ Okay, she thought I was seeing Suga. Why would it matter? Why did she ask?  _ She narrowed her eyes, taking in the downturn of Hinata’s brows,  _ Why would me coming out make her upset? Why would my dating Suga upset her? What the fuck? _ “Y-yeah,” she said slowly, “She’s been helping me figure everything out.”

“How long have you known?”

“That I’m a lesbian?”

“Yeah.”

Kageyama sighed and looked across the street. They were the only ones on the block, and the music from the party they had just left sounded like it was miles away. “Middle school?” she let out a long stream of air through her nose this time, “Longer, maybe.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” her expression, a mixture of things Kageyama was too lost to decipher, changed into something that looked more like irritation.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know what you’d think,” she shook her head and ran her hand through the loose ends of her hair. “I didn’t know if I would be welcome on the team if people knew.”

Hinata dipped her head into her hands, covering her face. She started to laugh, but it was humorless and dry.

“What?” 

She shook her head, still hiding her face. “I- I didn’t know what  _ you _ were going to think.”

“About?” Kageyama felt herself growing irritated, because she was unable to keep up all of the directions the conversation was taking.

“About  _ me, _ idiot,” she dropped her hands and looked her in the eyes, meeting her gaze defiantly, “About  _ me _ coming out.”

Kageyama stared at her and blankly repeated, “Coming out.”

She threw her hands in the air in an exasperated gesture, “You’re so  _ dense _ , Bakageyama! I’m  _ queer _ , o-or something. And this whole time we could have been figuring this out together—”

“Together?” she was shaking her head furiously before she could help it, “No, Hinata. I don’t think we could have figured this out together.” Hinata’s voice echoed in her head,  _ Queer, queer, queer. Hinata is  _ coming out _ as queer.  _ She swallowed hard, pushing the confusion and disbelief and hope down deep into her stomach.

“Why?” Hinata dropped her hands and shoved them in her pockets, pulling her coat tight to her hips. She seemed to retreat into herself, and her voice came out small.

Kageyama stared at her for one beat, then two. She wanted to spit it out, finally, to kick the words out of her brain and let Hinata make the decision for her, queer or not. She wanted to be  _ relieved _ of the weight of loving her, and she wanted to be relieved of not being being loved in return. She could practically hear Suga urging her to just spit it out, so Kageyama closed her eyes and mentally counted to three, then said, “B-because,” her voice wasn’t strong like she wanted it to be. It came out thin and reedy, even to her ears, “Because I’m in love with you.” Her heart was pounding, swallowing the echo of her words in her ears.

“You…” 

She could barely hear Hinata for her own heartbeat, and turned her eyes to the ground, miserable. An apology slipped passed her lips unintentionally, “Sorry.”

“ _ Sorry?” _

She looked up, feeling sheepish and vulnerable. Hinata’s eyebrows had drawn together, and there was a deep focus in her eyes that Kageyama only saw during matches. She nodded, then dropped her eyes again.

She heard her suck in a deep breath of air, “Wait.  _ This _ is what you’ve been dealing with? On top of everything?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, my  _ god,”  _ she turned away and covered her mouth with her hand, “I cannot  _ believe _ you.”

_ There it is _ , she thought, steeling her heart to the rejection seeping through her body like ice.  _ Fuck. _

Hinata spun around and took three angry steps, closing the distance between them in a heartbeat. She smacked Kageyama once in the shoulder, the motion was quick, but lacked force, “You are the biggest idiot in the world,” she said, her voice breaking, “I-I was waiting for you. Almost all through high school.”

Kageyama looked up in surprise, “Wait, what?”

She was standing in front of her, close, now. “In high school,” she repeated, “I thought maybe, then, we could have—” she shook her head, “But then I thought that the only thing you were interested in was volleyball. I thought you weren’t interested in  _ anyone _ , so I tried to stop thinking about it.”

Her hands fell out of her pockets, and she opened her palms questioningly, “Hinata,” she felt like she was watching this conversation from outside of herself, “But, Shimizu—”

This earned her another swift, open-handed smack to her shoulder, “What about him?”

_ Right, queer. _ She thought,  _ It’s a little different from being a lesbian.  _ Kageyama felt the color drain from her face, and she remembered the way Suga had reacted when Kageyama had told her about Hinata’s lack of dating.  _ Waiting for the right person _ . “Oh, no.”

Hinata watched the realization sink in, and she shook her head, trying not to laugh again. She wasn’t amused, but the bubble was there in her throat.

Kageyama bent at the waist, then crouched down, breathing deeply and repeatedly thinking,  _ Oh, I fucked up _ . “What…” she pulled her hands into her chest, keeping her voice directed at the ground, “What about Kenma?”

Blinking, Hinata crouched down with her, and she sighed. “They’ve been helping me out with all this,” she laughed dryly, “I thought that it would be easier for me to come out to you by talking about them, or something.” She paused, looking off to the side while still crouching beside her, “I was going to tell you, that night they came over, but you disappeared.”

Her words entered Kageyama’s stomach like a punch, and she closed her eyes against the sensation.  She felt colossally dumb, and the feeling only increased when she replayed their conversations in her head. She had shut Hinata out the next day, making it all about herself. She imagined what it must have been like for her,  _ She probably thought I was being weird because she was coming out. And she decided to let it slide because of my anxiety.  _ She mentally cursed herself with every last expletive she knew and hung her head.

Kageyama took a deep breath and looked up to find Hinata watching her. Her wide amber eyes drew her in, and now, instead of clamping down on her feelings, she let herself be pulled. “I fucked up,” she blurted, watching Hinata’s face, “I should have told you… about me in high school. I should have told you about my feelings sooner.”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, “I probably could have done a better job, too,” she admitted softly. “If you weren’t ready, I understand. But I was laying down  _ a lot _ of hints back at Karasuno.”

Kageyama cringed, “I have a feeling I’ll be reliving them all pretty soon.”

This time Hinata actually laughed, and she stood, extending a hand to Kageyama. “Good. Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah,” she said, reaching out. 

Hinata pulled her to her feet, and she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her lungs felt tight as they began to walk, as if she had sucked in too much air after holding her breath for too long. They were quiet on the way back, occasionally bumping shoulders as they passed noisy houses on their way back to their apartment. They took the long way through the campus.

When they made it to their door, a thought stuck Kageyama. “Wait,” she said, and Hinata paused with her hand on the doorknob. 

“What?” she said, her expression inquisitive.

“Do you,” Kageyama rolled her lower lip between her teeth then let go, “Do you  _ still _ … I mean, me, you know?” She felt her cheeks burn and tried to ignore it.

Hinata squinted at her and said, “You, are  _ the _ dumbest person I have ever met.”

“I’m  _ serious _ .”

She opened the door and sat to take her boots off. Kageyama closed the door behind them and waited, shifting her weight from foot to foot. Hinata took off one shoe and stared up at Kageyama, her hands resting lightly on the zipper of the other boot, “Yeah.”

“Why?” the question slipped out before she could process it.

Shaking her head, Hinata finished removing her shoes and chucked them carelessly to the side, saying, “Because we’re equals, because you’re just as volleyball-obsessed as I am, if not more. Because you give me good tosses,” she glanced away and began to blush, “Because you’re pretty and stupid and drink too much milk.”

Kageyama’s heart froze in her chest, and she felt her entire body blush, Hinata’s voice had unlocked an entirely new suite of emotions she wasn’t equipped  to handle. “O-oh,” was all she managed.

Hinata watched her short circuit, then said, in a nervous voice, “Would you want to pull the spare futons into the living room and sleep there tonight?” She fiddled with her socks, then added, “Instead of in our rooms?”

She didn’t trust herself to speak, so Kageyama nodded.

The next few minutes were as quiet as their walk home. They went about pushing the furniture out of the way and pulling the extra futons from the hall closet, and Kageyama couldn’t help but sneak glances at Hinata. She was caught when Hinata tried to slip in a peek of her own as they fixed up the futons with spare blankets. Kageyama kept her lips pursed, trying to suppress the nervous smile pressing at her teeth. 

Once her futon was done, Hinata stood quickly and announced that she was going to get ready for bed. Before Kageyama could say anything, she disappeared down the hall to her room, her door closing loudly behind her.

Kageyama rocked back on her heels, leaving the blanket she was unfolding in a pile at the end of the futon. She decided to change while Hinata was in her room. She slipped into an oversized tee and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. When she tugged the shirt over her head, she paused at her hips, running her fingertips across where Hinata had touched her while she had been dancing. 

Blushing, she pulled the hem of the shirt down and glanced down at herself. Despite Hinata having seen her in her pj’s hundreds of times, she was beginning to feel self conscious. She ran her fingers through her hair, feeling flustered and unsure. 

She grabbed her pillows from her bed and walked into the hallway, almost bumping into Hinata as she made her way to the bathroom. They stared at each other for a moment, their nerves hanging in the air between them, before Hinata broke eye contact and went to brush her teeth.

The tension persisted until they were both washed up and tucked into their own blankets. They left stringed lights on, but otherwise the room was dark. Kageyama was painfully aware of her own breathing. She pulled the blankets close to her.

They were both on their sides, facing each other, waiting for the other to say something. Finally, Hinata extended one hand across the border of her futon to Kageyama’s.

She swallowed, then lifted her hand to meet Hinata’s partway.

This wasn’t the first time their hands had touched. It had happened before, at practice, when they were setting up the nets, after a good play when they high fived, or even when they were roughhousing and fighting. This time, however, when Hinata’s palm slid against hers and their fingers entwined, Kageyama’s heart skipped a beat, and she couldn’t drag her eyes away from Hinata’s.

She inched closer and tentatively squeezed, and Hinata did the same. Kageyama became almost painfully aware every micromovement of their hands, and slowly began to rub her thumb over Hinata’s. 

“I liked dancing with you,” she said, her quiet voice cutting the persistent silence.

Kageyama pursed her lips, feeling embarrassed. She had gotten too pulled into Hinata’s flow. She would have never danced otherwise, but she had loved the close way they had moved in time together. “Yeah, me too.”

Hinata frowned at her, “Why…” she sighed, “Then why did you stop?”

Swallowing, she felt her heart kick up again. She had left because it had been too much. Their noses pressed together, the proximity of her lips, the inviting way her hips had moved against her own, it had all been too much. The electric feeling of Hinata’s fingertips on the bare skin of her side was what pushed her to her limit.  _ If I had kept dancing you like that, I would have kissed you _ , she thought to herself, unable to say it aloud. She squeezed Hinata’s hand again and shrugged.

Inching closer, she said softly, “No more of that, Yama-yama.” She was close enough now that Kageyama could smell the mint on her breath and the lingering scent of shampoo in her hair.

She took a deep breath, almost feeling overwhelmed by the intimacy budding between them. “It was just a little… too much,” she closed her eyes, “You know, for not knowing what was going on.”

A featherlight touch grazed her cheek, and her eyes flew open. Hinata was looking at her with a tender, understanding expression. Her eyes shifted from Kageyama’s as she tried to brush her hair back behind her ear. She ran her fingers through it once, making Kageyama shiver, before tucking it into place. 

She drew her hand back and leaned up, propping herself up on one elbow to look down at Kageyama. There was a look of intense focus on her face as she studied her. She let go of Kageyama’s hand and gently brushed the bangs from her eyes. 

In response, Kageyama began to tremble, shaking from a combination of anticipation, nerves, and disbelief. The living room, often a bubble of close friendship, was beginning to feel insular, but intimate.

“Can I…?” Hinata’s eyes flickered down to Kageyama’s mouth, the question hanging in the air.

Kageyama felt her mouth grow dry, and she nodded mutely, unsure of what to do or say.

Hinata exhaled as if to steady herself, her breath gentle on Kageyama’s skin, and slowly dipped her head. Kageyama closed her eyes when she felt the soft pressure of Hinata’s lips on her own.

It was gentle and tender, but it lit Kageyama’s entire body up from the inside out. Her heart was beating erratically in her chest, and she found herself out of breath. Hinata placed her palm on Kageyama’s cheek and drew back, as if assessing the damage. “Was that ok?”

Trembling, Kageyama nodded and lifted her hands to Hinata’s face, moving slowly in case Hinata needed a way out. When she remained above her, she held her carefully, running the pads of her fingers over Hinata’s cheeks in awe. After a moment of gazing at her face, drinking in her features in wonder, she pushed her hands back to feel Hinata’s hair running between her fingers. The gesture made Hinata sigh, and Kageyama pulled lightly, bringing their lips back together.

Hinata melted into the kiss, bringing herself closer. She ran a hand over Kageyama’s shoulder, feeling the toned muscle beneath the thin tee shirt. She lifted the hem of the sleeve, placing her palm on her bicep. 

Her hand was hot on her skin, and in response, Kageyama’s lips parted. Their their kiss deepened as Hinata opened her mouth slightly, just enough to pull her lips against Kageyama’s in a soft, sweet way. Under her hands, she could feel Kageyama shaking, and pulled back in concern.

“Are you okay?”

Kageyama blinked at her, bewildered, then nodded.

She wasn’t frowning, and her eyebrows were turned up in a look of surrender, and Hinata dropped her head to Kageyama’s shoulder. She was unable to handle the inviting, vulnerable expression. It was too new. Knowing that  _ she _ had caused that look was making her shiver in the same way.

Hesitant arms wrapped loosely around her, and she sank into Kageyama, sighing. She kicked her feet, just to edge her way under Kageyama’s blanket. She lined up against her, until their bodies were parallel. Her feet only reached as far as Kageyama’s calves.

“You’re so soft,” she murmured, twining her legs through Hinata’s as she snuggled closer. 

It was warm under the blankets, and being so close to Kageyama was making it hard for Hinata to breathe. She could still feel Kageyama trembling, and carefully reached across her stomach to place a reassuring hand on her arm. Her own stomach quivered with the same nervous energy, and the contact both helped and made it worse.

She closed her eyes, feeling wide awake. She wanted to kiss her again, but didn’t think she had the strength to push through her nerves again to make it happen.

She didn’t have to, though, because Kageyama reached up to Hinata’s hair and ruffled it before sliding her hand under her chin. She guided her face upwards and and tilted down to kiss her again. It was a delicate, muted gesture. When she drew back, Hinata could hear Kageyama’s breathing waver. 

“You’re such a wimp,” Hinata said quietly, running her hand up and down Kageyama’s arm. She enjoyed feeling the sure muscle shift under her palms.  _ Volleyball muscle, _ she thought,  _ these are the arms that set to me. _

“Shut it,” she said automatically.

Hinata grinned and sank a little further into her, nuzzling her face into the softness of Kageyama’s neck. She could still feel her shaking, but she could also sense the tension draining from her sure, steady body.  She listened to her breathing, which began to deepen and slow the longer they laid together.

Hinata could pinpoint the exact moment Kageyama feel asleep, because she heard an unfamiliar, sweet sound of contentment escape her lips. She glanced up, making her movements small because she was worried about waking her, and watched her sink into her rest.

In high school, Hinata had watched Kageyama drift to sleep on more than one occasion. She enjoyed watching the frown melt from her face as she relaxed, or the way her lips parted when she rolled over to get comfortable. She shifted to get more comfortable, placing her head in the soft spot of Kageyama’s shoulder. She fell asleep to the sound of Kageyama’s steady heartbeat in her ear.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone for a minute and decided to write some fluffy lesbian sex. 
> 
> Uh, enjoy?

Suga heard her phone vibrate from across the room, and she groaned. “Haru, can you toss me that?”  _ It’s probably a student waiting until the last minute to beg for help again _ , she thought unhappily.  _ That TA is never coming back, I’m going to be stuck grading pre-labs for the rest of the year. _

They were both spread out in the living room, watching trashy dramas together instead of doing their work. It was mid afternoon, and they had spent the bulk of the day eating snacks and marathoning episodes. Each of them suggesting “one more” instead of leaving for the lab like they had originally planned. Haru shot her a bemused look and reached over from where they were sitting to the phone. They made a big show of reaching for it, their fingertips extended with exaggerated effort, before snagging it from the end table . They glanced at the notification, “Oh, it’s Kageyama.” Grinning, they carefully tossed it across the room, but ended up sending it a little high. The phone bounced off of the couch and landed on Suga’s chest.

“Hey,” she said, rubbing the spot where it landed, “Watch it.”

Haru rolled their eyes, “You should have known better than to ask me to toss it, Ms. Volleyball.”

“Speaking of volleyball, I bet this is about their game.” Suga tapped the message open, expecting to see the score from the previous day’s match. Instead:  _ We’re dating. _

Her eyes went wide and she all but screamed as she jumped up from the couch, “ _ Finally _ ! Oh my god, Haru.”

Her friend was watching her, one eyebrow lifted questioningly.

“Kageyama and Hinata are  _ dating _ .”

“What? Really?” they sat up, pausing the show, “What did she say?” their look of excitement turned to confusion, “Wait. When they were here yesterday they seemed as clueless as you said they were? It’s been like, twenty four hours.” 

Suga began to type furiously on her phone, then threw it onto the couch and paced around the room. “She didn’t say. And since she’d never talk about that kind of thing I texted Hinata.”

Her phone vibrated again, and the two of them pounced on it, landing on the couch side by side. Hinata’s response to Suga’s congratulations and questioning was short:  _ I’ll tell u about it soon!! _

Haru and Suga groaned in unison, “These two are going to end up killing me. I thought for sure they would have gotten together when they were first years at Karasuno. But it took them more than   _ three years _ and  _ living _ together for them to figure it out.”

Haru laughed, “Yeah, it was pretty obvious when they came over. I could tell Kageyama was pretty miserable over someone when she was here that first time, but I couldn’t  _ believe _ the way Hinata was looking at her. I know they’re your juniors and all, but they seem pretty dumb.”

“God, they are the dumbest,” she said, shaking her head. 

“Do you think that they’ll start calling each other by their first names now?” Haru asked, leaning close to Suga to read the messages she had sent the two of them.

Laughing, she replied, “No way. They’ll be married and still calling each other the same thing.”

“That, I don’t doubt,” they said. “Do you think Hinata will start coming to meetings?” Kageyama had come to two of their LGBTQIA alliance meetings, after they and Suga had cajoled her into attending.

“I don’t know,” she said honestly, “Hinata is just… Hinata. I would be surprised if she even picked a label for herself.” She shrugged, “But she’s so social and  _ so in love _ with Kageyama that she would probably come.”

“Do you think Kageyama will want her to?”

Suga glanced through her messages with Hinata, thinking, “I don’t know. Kageyama is pretty private. She only really shares when she’s feeling overwhelmed. Hinata can be kind of pushy, but in a way that’s good for Kageyama.” She set her phone on her stomach, contemplating the younger pair.  _ Even though it’s been a couple of years, they haven’t changed all that much. _

Haru leaned their head against Suga’s shoulder and hummed thoughtfully, “It seems like that’s the kind of person you need, Koushi. Someone a little pushy.”

Suga started shaking her head before she realized, “No way. I’m fine with finishing up with school. Dating someone  _ and _ applying for med school would be  _ way _ too much work.”

“That’s why you need someone pushy,” they said flatly. “Someone who won’t let you make excuses,” they gestured to the tv. “If you have time to watch this shit with me you  _ definitely  _ have time for a girlfriend.”

She smacked Haru in the side playfully, “Why would I need anyone else when I have you?”

Haru snorted, “You can’t fool me, Sugawara.”

Suga pursed her lips, studying the paused screen.

“Must have been a good party, though,” Haru said lightly as they picked up the remote, “You should have the two of them invite us next time.” Suga relaxed beside them, obviously relieved for the change in subject.

“Yeah,” she said, not particularly invested in the idea, “Then we would both definitely end up with a couple of volleyball babes of our own.” She tried to keep the pessimism from coloring her voice, but it seeped through the underside of her words anyway.

Haru elbowed her in the side, “It doesn’t hurt to get out there, you know.”

“I know,” she said, not really agreeing with her friend. 

They sighed, as if reading her thoughts. “We’re not going to let you get away with hiding for much longer, Koushi.”

_ That’s what I’m worried about _ , she thought. “Just unpause it, Haru.”

Their friend complied, glancing at them knowingly as the show started back up.

 

“I don’t know why she texted you,” Kageyama grumbled, watching as Hinata fired off a response to Suga’s text message.

Hinata stuck her tongue out in response, “Maybe she likes talking to me better, Grumpy-yama.”

Scowling, Kageyama shoved Hinata’s head downwards. “Yeah, right.” Not much had changed since that morning, when they had talked about officially dating. It had been an awkward, stuttery conversation. Kageyama hadn’t quite come down from the high, yet, despite feeling like there wasn’t really a change in the way they interacted. True to her tactile nature, Hinata maintained the same level of persistent physical contact with Kageyama. The only real difference was that the contact was less subtle, which Kageyama found reassuring.

She grinned in response, playfully swatting her hand away. Her hand lingered on Kageyama’s wrist. “What should I tell her?” she retreated and turned her phone over in her hands. “I should tell her I did a big romantic gesture and swept you off your feet—”

Kageyama snorted, “You couldn’t sweep anyone off their feet.”

“What!” she said indignantly, “And you think  _ you _ could?”

Usually, Kageyama rose easily to all of Hinata’s challenges, but this one gave her pause. She considered it, then said, “I could sweep  _ you _ off your feet.” The tips of her ears burned, embarrassed by her own boldness.

A blush rose to her cheeks, “You think so?”

Kageyama snorted, and looked away from Hinata’s delicate, inviting expression out of habit. “All I have to do is toss to you.”

Hinata leaned forward, her face turning beet red, “Th-that’s not true at all.”

A burst of confidence surged through Kageyama and she said, “All I have to do is make them a little floaty, so that they pause in mid air…” she let her voice drop low. She pressed her hands under her thighs as she struggled to keep her cool.

Hinata looked away and leaned against the couch in an attempt to appear nonchalant, “E-everyone likes their tosses a little floaty.” Her voice wavered, and she ran a hand through her hair, visibly flustered.

“Maybe,” Kageyama said. After their conversation, she had begun to feel like she could  _ really _ look at Hinata. She drank in her appearance, admiring the way her wild hair framed her round face and the way she pursed her lips when she was thinking. Kageyama felt a new kind of smugness at seeing the blush dusting over her cheeks. She leaned forward, her voice husky, “But who else tosses to you the way I do?” Her confidence came only from knowing that she was a genius on the court.

_ No one. No one ever _ , Hinata thought, but instead of saying anything she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. She had no idea how to retaliate. She was used to seeing cool, sexy Kageyama at practice, but not now, especially not after the way she had trembled before their first kiss the night before. Once her blush had subsided in intensity, she opened her eyes and edged a little closer to Kageyama. They had left the futons out in the living room and spent the better part of the morning balled up under the blankets together and talking. 

Now, in the late afternoon, they were still in their pj’s. Kageyama’s hair was pushed over one shoulder, unbrushed. Her gaze was heavy, bearing into Hinata with the steadiness she had come to expect from her setter during volleyball games, but not during normal conversation. They were close, gravitating towards each other. Kageyama felt herself getting drawn into her, and had to fight the tendency to resist, instead deciding to let herself get swept up completely.

Hinata reached out and gently tugged on a strand of her hair. She studied her expression with wide-eyed attention, watching the way Kageyama’s lips parted when her thumb glanced over her cheek. 

_ Retaliation _ , she thought, grazing her hand across the line of Kageyama’s jaw. She trailed the touch down her neck and back up, memorizing the contours with her fingertips. Kageyama sighed and relaxed into the contact, and Hinata inched forward until their knees were touching. 

Kageyama leaned forward, just a little, and Hinata tangled her fingers the dark silk of her hair before taking a deep breath and pulling her into the kiss.

Kageyama shuddered, distantly wondering if she would ever get used to the quiet pressure of Hinata’s lips on her own. She reached up and gently cupped Hinata’s cheek, reigning in the persistent need she felt to push them closer and closer. Her heart fluttered in her chest, demanding more.

As if sensing that underlying feeling, Hinata opened her mouth and leaned into Kageyama, her tongue slipping out to taste Kageyama’s lips.

The gesture was inquisitive and tender, and made Kageyama draw in a sharp breath. She found her hands knotted in Hinata’s wavy hair before she realized they had moved. Kageyama drew her in, her lips parting in permission, and the warm, pleasant taste of her filled her mouth. Their tongues slid together, once, then again, and a sound of pleasure escaped Hinata. The reaction made her heart quiver in her chest, and she reached for Hinata’s hip, steadying herself as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. Her eyes fluttered open in the split second their mouths separated before coming together with increased intensity. Hinata’s eyes were closed and her hands roamed, one sliding down Kageyama’s neck and arms while the other tangled in her hair. They were kneeling, half slouched against the couch, their knees interlocking.

Kageyama edged the hem of Hinata’s shirt upwards and slid her palm flat against her side, pulling Hinata’s bottom lip between her own at the same time. Her skin was hot under her hand, and she shuddered. Kageyama felt the grip in her hair tighten in response. 

Feeling like her heart was going to beat out of her chest, Kageyama shifted and pulled them back down onto the floor, kicking the blankets out of the way in the process. Hinata made a sound that shot through Kageyama, sending a jolt of excitement through her so quickly she thought her heart stopped. Kageyama ran her hands up Hinata’s sides, hoping for another.

Hinata shifted until her weight was centered on her squarely, and propped herself on one elbow. Kageyama’s shirt had ridden up, and she felt the additional, burning skin-on-skin contact right down to her toes. It felt  _ so _ good to be pressed together, infinitely better than dancing had been, and impossibly better than syncing up during a match. Their breathing was shallow and ragged, and Hinata reached down, hiking their shirts up to their ribs before laying into the contact. Kageyama whimpered into her mouth, and she pressed a hand to her stomach before firmly running it up over her ribs, and then over her shirt to the soft slope of her chest. 

“O-oh,” Kageyama jumped and broke their kiss to press her mouth into the small of Hinata’s neck, surprised by the touch.

Hinata made as if to move back, but Kageyama covered her hand with one of her own, pressing her palm into her breast. Kageyama’s breath burned on her throat, and Hinata felt something like a sob bubble over her lips. The pressure of Kageyama’s mouth on her her throat sent a shiver of pleasure through her. Kageyama’s hands were on her, guiding her through it, gripping the small of her back so that their hips pressed together. 

In response, Hinata shifted, untangling their legs and breaking the kiss so that she could slide one knee between Kageyama’s legs. She watched Kageyama’s head tilted back as she gasped at the new sensation. Hinata leaned into her, her fingers playing on the ridge of Kageyama’s hip.

Her eyes flashed open when Hinata retreated and leaned in again, putting her weight right where their bodies were joined. She reached up and pulled Hinata down, then ran her tongue over Hinata’s bottom lip. She matched Hinata’s movements by pushing her hips up to meet her, and pressing on the small of her back. A quiet sound of pleasure escaped Hinata’s mouth as Kageyama’s leg pressed in between hers. She ran her hands down the smooth skin of Hinata’s back and slid her palms against the backs of her thighs, cupping her and pulling her down onto her leg. They rocked back and forth together, panting as the friction became pleasure.

Kageyama’s eyes fluttered open, and she leaned up, burying her face in the crook of Hinata’s neck, trailing kisses along the tender part of her jaw. She grazed her teeth along Hinata’s collar without thinking, and was met with a sharp gasp. She repeated the gesture, feeling her partner shudder above her.

A burst of satisfaction coursed through her, and she felt her back arching to meet her movements, keeping their skin pressed together at every turn. Hinata dropped her head, her hands roaming and exploring the planes of Kageyama’s body, skirting over her toned sides and stomach. With an impatient noise, she pulled at Kageyama’s shirt, willing it to disappear.

In response, Kageyama sat up, and with trembling hands, pulled it over her head. Hinata, now sitting upright in her lap, took in the vulnerable set of her eyebrows and the way her lips had parted in wanting, and slipped her arms around her shoulders reassuringly. She kissed the corner of Kageyama’s mouth, then along her cheekbones and brow before trailing down her neck. She rested her forehead on the soft part of Kageyama’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of her skin.

Kageyama’s hands searched under Hinata’s shirt, her steady palms running over every millimeter of her back. With a shaky breath, Hinata leaned back and let her lift the shirt over her head.

She watched, her eyes wide, as Hinata shyly lowered her arms, their shirts discarded beside them. Kageyama murmured her name, her voice trembling as she wrapped her arms around her waist. 

Hinata pulled her close, guiding her head to rest below her collarbone as she wrapped her arms and legs tightly around Kageyama’s shoulders and waist. They took a moment to breathe, settling into the warm, soft contact.

Slowly, they began to unwind. First, Hinata brushed Kageyama’s hair away from her face, kissing her nose gently as she tucked it behind her ear. Next, Kageyama brought a hand to rest below Hinata’s breast, moulding her palm firmly along the contours of her ribs, reveling in the way the muscle shifted beneath her hands as Hinata moved into the touch. 

She laid back into her pillows and gazed up at Hinata, who was eyeing her almost nervously. 

“Do you want to slow down?” Hinata asked quietly. She rested both hands on either side of Kageyama’s head, arching over her. They were joined at the hip, and Kageyama was rubbing her thumbs over the ridges of Hinata’s ribs.

“No,” she replied breathlessly. Her hair, messy and tangled, fanned across the pillow.

“You’re trembling,” she said, searching her face. 

“I’m nervous, dumbass.”

Hinata blinked, surprised by the admission, then cupped her cheek, dipping low to kiss her once softly. “It’s just me, though.”

“It’s  _ because _ it’s you, idiot.” Her voice was rich with endearment. 

Pausing, she asked, “Is it bad nervous, or excited nervous?” she asked, “Like,  _ wuhh  _ or  _ wahh _ ?”

Kageyama closed her eyes, listening to their breathing before saying, “Both.”

Hinata pursed her lips, “What would make you feel less nervous?”

“I-I don’t know.”

Sighing, she said, “I feel pretty nervous too. I’ve liked you for so long.” Hinata trailed a hand down Kageyama’s side, and she shuddered, goosebumps rising over her skin. Questioningly, Hinata repeated the motion, and was met with the same reaction. Kageyama gave her a pained, openly vulnerable look.

Kageyama placed a hand over Hinata’s, cupping it to her stomach, “What do you want to do?” her voice was unsteady.

Hinata searched her face, reading the feelings behind her dark blue eyes. “I want to keep going.” She felt the grip on her ribs tighten.

“Me too,” she breathed.

“It’s,” she dropped her forehead to Kageyama’s, “It’s just like volleyball, right?”

“How?” she asked, too breathless to tease her about the question. She ran her lips against Hinata’s softly.

“Like,” she sighed, kissing Kageyama before saying, “We’ll work together, right? You’ll let me know if you want to slow down.”

Kageyama traced the ridge of Hinata’s spine with her fingertips, “Yeah.”

Hinata’s breathing hitched, then deepened as Kageyama ran her fingers over a section of her back she had never known was sensitive. The shiver ran down her spine, straight into where their bodies were pressed together. Hinata rolled her hips, unintentionally pressing them together.

Kageyama met her halfway, lifting her hips and shifting her leg until Hinata could feel a steady, grinding pressure between her legs. She squeezed her eyes shut, shifting in time with the movement of Kageyama’s hips. She trailed a hand down her side and let her fingers glance across the elastic of Kageyama’s waistband, listening for any hesitation. Instead, her breathing quickening in anticipation, and Hinata ran a hand along the inside of her thighs, delicately grazing over the material between her legs. The contact, gentle and slow, elicited a surprised, breathless moan from her lips.

Hinata reached up, taking a palmful of Kageyama’s breast and rolling it under her hands, and gasped when Kageyama shifted, turning them until their positions were reversed. Kageyama’s lips were parted, her face open and pink. 

“Too much?” Hinata asked airly, pulling her hands away.

Kageyama shook her head and kissed along the side of Hinata’s neck, pausing at her collar, where she traced she shape of it with her tongue. Hinata held Kageyama’s shoulders, tilting her head back as she made her way down to her chest. She couldn’t catch her breath, feeling light headed when Kageyama pressed a chaste kiss to the center of her chest. She ran her fingers through Kageyama’s hair, pushing it to one side so that she could see her face.

Kageyama glanced at her, gauging her reaction as she drew closer to one pert breast. Hinata nodded faintly, so Kageyama tentatively ran her tongue across the peak of her nipple, then swirled her tongue around it experimentally.Hinata gasped sharply and nodded more forcefully, murmuring her name encouragingly. Kageyama complied, closing her eyes as she grazed her teeth across the sensitive skin, which made her entire body shudder.

She exhaled unevenly and reached down, carefully pulling Hinata’s shorts down from her hips. In response, Hinata eagerly shoved them the rest of the way and flung them away, leaving her totally exposed. 

Pausing, Kageyama let her eyes roam from her face to the rest of her. She dipped her head down, kissing her passionately as she gently cupped Hinata between her legs. Heat radiated from her, and Kageyama shuddered when she felt Hinata’s legs spread in invitation. She began to kiss her more slowly, lazily, as her fingers explored the contours of Hinata’s thighs and lips. Hinata gasped against her mouth when Kageyama carefully parted her, feeling the wet heat of her arousal as she traced one finger from her opening upwards. Hinata jolted when Kageyama found the soft mound of her clit and she whimpered, shaking each time Kageyama glanced over it. 

It wasn’t long before Hinata was trembling all over, grasping Kageyama with a firm grip as Kageyama both nuzzled against her neck and rubbed unhurried circles over her clit. She slid her attention down, slipping a finger into her, which made her gasp. Her breathing quickened and Kageyama could feel it coming out in hot bursts in her ear, and fervent sound left her. She matched the roll of Hinata’s hips with her wrist, inserting another finger and curling them, carefully observing the shifts in her reaction with each change in movement. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she dug her fingers into Kageyama’s shoulder, urging her on while her other hand pressed Kageyama’s head into the crook of her shoulder.

Kageyama returned her fingers to Hinata’s clit, enjoying the small sound of protest she made as she slid out of her. Hinata tugged her up, crashing their lips together and she whimpered at the contact, her legs shaking. Kageyama pulled closer, shifting as Hinata squirmed beneath her, not breaking her rhythm. Her own breathing went ragged as  Hinata’s quickened. Then, Hinata’s legs locked up, and she shuddered, repeating Kageyama’s name as she came. The aftershocks of her orgasm coursed through her, and she pressed her face into the soft part of Kageyama’s shoulder.

Withdrawing her hand, she gathered Hinata in her arms, tucking her close against her side as she came down. Kageyama trembled, feeling shaken by the way her name had tumbled from Hinata’s lips. Her heart pounded in her chest and she sprinkled gentle kisses over Hinata’s brow and cheeks. She kissed the corner of her mouth, then drew back to look at her, assessing the damage. She was fully flushed, her chest heaving from the effort, and she seemed just as shaken as Kageyama. Her amber eyes were wide in her face, her lips parted, her skin glowing. 

The corner of Kageyama’s mouth lifted, contentment spreading through her limbs as Hinata stared back at her in disbelief. She dropped her head, kissing Hinata’s cheek again, and Hinata locked her arms around Kageyama, hard. 

“K-Kageyama,” her voice was still as unsteady as her appearance, and Kageyama found herself crushed against her. Hinata’s breath was warm in her ear and she said, “I love you.”

Light burst in her chest and “I love you too, dumbass,” slipped out of her mouth before she could help it, which made Hinata laugh. She pressed herself in until body ran parallel to Hinata’s, then pulled herself closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *clears throat*
> 
> If you made it this far, thanks for reading this novel I accidentally wrote.


End file.
